Thread: Days Apart

I haven't been on here in a long time... haven't written in a long time. Just trying to make sense of things.


[

hello, and welcome back to the site and to writing also.

this reminded me of my mom, she lived in a different time than the world around her. for a while it was painful to witness, but that was just my selfish-ness that made it so. She could bring back memories of my childhood, her childhood, but not remember me in the present.

I am unsure of this is what you intended to portray, but those images came to my mind. the helplessness of seeing, with nothing to be done. Still, in the end I looked at it this way. If she was happier there, then I'd go there and be happier with her

Hope life shines for you.


One thing - 'shined' would 'shone' be better? hard to say but i'm sure others will give thoughts.

thanks for sharing and again, welcome back

Sync

I like this piece. It has a spartan sense about it... not verbose, not overly simple... just the right words to get the point across. The only thing that tripped me up a bit was the repetition of the word "cafe" but plugging in synonyms will likely make it even more awkward, so I think the repetition is forgivable. It didn't ruin the piece anyway... just a mild stumble in my reading.

I loved several turns of phrase. You seem to given thought to even the how the line breaks play into your word usage. For instance, the fact that "with pauses" is left to start the line following the one it truly belongs to gives the reader a momentary pause. Nice effect that. And, in that same stanza, I love the line about knuckles "like bent sticks." "You were in that place where people go after feeling leaves," is certainly as beautiful a line as anything I have ever written.

You should be quite proud of this piece. Thank you for sharing it.

Thanks for posting this.

It left me with a melancholy sense of losing a once close relationship, with its almost surreal change of dynamic. Pleasant flow to the story.

Thanks again!

Hi Squalid Glass

The sadness and loss came across clearly in this. It must be hard when someone you love and care for is there but no longer there.

I also think shined should be shone and you could also remove that in the same line.

Thanks for sharing and welcome back to writing.

Hi SG,

In my own strange interpretation, "shined" is appropriately more fragile and even allures to memory of a beautiful radiance.

Your words touch deep.

Thank you and please write more.

Ian

Thanks for the kind comments everyone.

On shine vs. shone. That line is a reference to a Pink Floyd song, and the lyric is shine, so I kept it the same. Even though it's a bit of an obscure reference, does that warrant the use of shine? Not sure.

Even though it's a bit of an obscure reference, does that warrant the use of shine? Not sure.

Absolutely. You are the crafter of this piece, and that is how you intended it. If others get it, then great, if not, so what? Besides, that gives it a bit of mystery, yes? Beautiful work.

Nice to have you back, Squalid. I enjoyed this very much. I have to agree with Jeff regarding the multiple use of cafe, but also agree that to remedy it would probably make the little hitch a big one. That was the only tiny nit I encountered. Loved your wording, such impeccable phrases, and the message, to be honest, made my heart ache. For what it's worth, I prefer shined. Nicely done, love, don't be such a stranger.

Best,
Lisa