Thread: Fear

Sometimes I hate you.

I did my best
to wake you up.

I brought you your clothes
I packed you a lunch

But you couldn't be bothered
to move today.

The way you screamed at me
reminded me of being a child,
hidden away in a closet,
crying over mistakes

Reminded me
of leaving home,
the relief that there was
no more fear.

But today I hate you
for making me fear you.

Geez! I love this very much! You've really pulled all the right stunts here. Something enticing about this 'fear', this human tormentor, is that it is housed, clothed and at last, there is a desperate need for the speaker in the poem to wriggle him/herself free. And the words run smoothly from line to line.

Great work! I just hope the curiousity of reading FEAR dosen't get me to fear something. At least not for now...


Fox

Hello



nicely wrote, you could trim a few of those personal pronouns to pound the emotions more than the individual.

there is not strikeout command so the Bolded words I think could be removed without lessening the impact.

for example

Sometimes I hate you. - present tense.

I did my best
to wake you up.

I brought you your clothes
I packed you a lunch

But you couldn't be bothered
to move today.

The way you screamed at me
reminded me of being a child,
hidden away in a closet,
crying over mistakes - why crying - isn't he screaming, mad - giving off fears?

Reminded me - this feels fragmented from the other stanza - I think with a 'You' it would draw the line between both combatants. but the stanza meaning seems wrong
of leaving home,
the relief that there was
no more fear.

But today I hate you
for making me fear you. - show why, its not them, its the 'fear'

nice piece, that second last stanza, I don't know why it bothers me, but it does.

enjoyed

thanks for the read

Sync

Hi Damien

I liked this and could feel his sadness and anger, though I didn't really feel the fear. To get this across (both present and past) I think you need to show the actions more.

I also think it could be trimmed down a bit

Sometimes I hate you.

I did my best
to wake you up.

I brought you your clothes
I packed you a lunch here you could leave out both instances of I and also the a before lunch

But you couldn't be bothered
to move today.

The way you screamed at me
reminded me of being a child,
hidden away in a closet,
crying over mistakes I'd like to know more who her screaming reminds him of - her mother, father, sister? Was there fear then or was it just remorse for mistakes?

Reminded me
of leaving home,
the relief that there was
no more fear. here instead of using the word fear you could show why the relief

But today I hate you you could delete but
for making me fear you.

While leaving in those personal pronouns may give it more impact for either you, or your target, I agree that removing them reads more smoothly, as was said in the above replies.

If you do chop out the unnecessary words, you might also want to look at restructuring your lines. Even looking at the original: "reminded me" in S5 and S6. Maybe it's just the way I read it, but I had the same rhythm both times, which makes me think that either it should be set off on its own both times, or added to the phrase afterward, as long as it's consistent. Now if I'm just getting your internal rhythm wrong, then you'd be safe disregarding that suggestion.

All in all, I got the feeling of a child trying to take care of an alcoholic/junkie parent. Which is why I think you phrased S5L2 the way you did. Well done.

Hi Damien,

Touches deep and definitely gave me a sense of the emotional disturbance you explore.

Good write.

Ian