Thread: Sartre Made her Laugh

This is not my dream
she whispers like
a ghost,
too tired to haunt.

She,
bedraggled,
hair in knots.
Knots in her stomach
she’s tried to untie.
Famous futility.

In front of bathroom mirror
above blue porcelain sink,
chipped veins, stains,
in ceramic bowl.
No matter.

She hears her,
giggling, giggling…
making ice cream breakfast
while her head shouts
This is not my child!

A sotted voice inside
This life belongs to my neighbor
Kurt cutting grass into a crew cut.
In easy chair
stomach full of steak and corn.
Wife sans apron
watching Lawrence Welk

She looks in the mirror
which has seen no Windex.
Face skewed, glued to the past.

Radcliffe, ruby red lipstick
Suma cum laude
Satin dresses
Silk sheets
The laying of flowers at her door
Her eyes adored
All the books behind them!

She smiles like some shy debutant
Then a moment deadened, then done.

She thinks of Sartre’s
“No Exit”…

Knees on cold tile,
Ready for your close-up, Norma Desmond.
Mad laughter, aching.
A stomach punch welcomed.
Laughing still.

She hears the cry.
Stumbles into the kitchen.
Baby girl with
chocolate on her chin
This is not my child!
She cries.

Barefooted in tired bathrobe.
Needs it
Juniper berry poison
Fat glass of gin
Valium in the cabinet above the sink.

What went wrong?
She gulps
This is not the sweet liquor of life.

Baby girl cries, still.
She staggers into kitchen,
gin on her chin,
and whispers like a clumsy ghost
“I love you"

Hello. its weird but even after three years I remember some people on here.

I enjoyed this piece. There were a few instances where I think a slight change would impact more, for instance

you wrote:

Knees on cold tile,
laughing like Norma Desmond
ready for her close up.
Mad laughter, aching.
A stomach punch welcomed.
Laughing still.

With just a small reworking to use that 'ready for your.....' as it was intended and therefore strengthen that singular image and what its associated mention means.
could be ie:

Knees on the cold tile
'Ready for your close-up, Norma Desmond'
mad laughter, aching
A stomach punch(pump) welcome
...laughter still

it could be just my prose eyes, but I loved the images here.

thanks for the read

Sync

Hi, Sync. Glad to have you back! I'm pleased you liked the imagery and have taken to your advice Re: Norma Desmond. Large change for the better! Thank you for reading. Laurie

I like the change of line Laurie. I think it does make the image have more impact. This is one of the first poems of yours that I remember reading, and it still packs a strong punch for me.

May I ask why you used past-tense for 'welcomed' on that same line? I see the rest of the poem is in present, so have been looking at that one instance trying to figure out why.

in a way I can see your meaning, but maybe without the 'ed' it would put that punch in the now?

either way, its fine, this is just how my eyes see.

Sync

Cindy, I can't believe you remembered this! This was my debut poem over at AA! First posted poem! I've pulled it out from the cobwebs and made some changes. Just can't believe you remembered this and that you did is a great compliment!

Sync, to address your question:

May I ask why you used past-tense for 'welcomed' on that same line? I see the rest of the poem is in present,

Think of an everyday saying "You are welcomed to my house" To me, it just "sounds" better.

I'm very glad you're paying such close attention to my poem and I "welcome" further comments on any of my work! Here, "welcome" seems to work. Yes?

yes it works as is fine.

never be in a rush to change your words, even upon suggestions of others. let them sit, sort in your mind.

thank you for your thoughts on that matter.

Sync

You're welcome, Sync!

Liked this one a lot, Laurie. I find the images very sharp, sort of intoxicating. I don't understand a whole lot of it, but it definitely provokes an emotional reaction in me. Nice read.
-cae

Thank you, cae. This poem is about my mother and me as a child. Highly educated, she was really not suited to be a housewife. She truly did love me but was not able to provide the mothering every child needs. When she thinks of the book "No Exit" she laughs in sad hysterics because she felt trapped in a life she felt was not meant for her. But that this poem proved to elicit an emotional reaction in you makes me feel that I did my job. Laurie

I'm glad you dusted this one off, Laurie, love. This has always been one of my favorites of yours, your imagery is crystal clear and cuts like a knife. The portrait you paint is heart wrenching. True you, and truly enjoyed, even more so this time around.

Thank you, Lisa! I remember how nervous I was, my first post over at AA. When Rob gave it the thumbs up, I was so relieved. Since, I have done some polishing and am more pleased with it now. Yes. This is me. Cutting like a knife!