Thread: (Uh) O Christmas Tree (Language)

WARNING TWO: Disgusting content, not for the queasy

With my sincere thanks to the lyricist and composer (both unfortunately unknown) of the beloved carol. It's a bit iffy as an actual poem, but if sung to the actual tune it's not so bad. I'm no lyricist, so it's probably laid out all wrong.


O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree
I'm sad to say
you reek of pee

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree
seems something's tapped
its kidneys

What animal
has smeared your trunk
depositing
excreted junk?

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree
your odor doth offend me

Your boughs so green
with nameless slime
could use a dousing
of some lime

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree
your odor doth offend me

You've killed our pets
with your scent
our gifts are all
dumpster bent

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree
your odor doth offend me

Next year we're buying
plastic stock
to save our nares
an awful shock

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree
your odor doth offend me

A port-a-potty
would surpass
needles that
stink like ass

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree
our fireplace beckons thee

I'll move the yule
just a bit
can't have a tree
that smells like shit

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree...


now ashes that are odor free

Haha, wow, this one's pretty outre, Lisa. In a good way. Thankfully somebody saved the day by burning the damned thing. It seemed to follow the rhythm of the original quite well.
-cae

What a piece! Laughable theme, Lisa. Poor xmas tree... lol. But wait a sec, at least some sort xmas wish would have saved his a** from the fire. Or maybe not...LMAO.

I enjoyed reading this piece.

Hmmm, naughty!

Any more like this and I'll post, "Requiem to a Rectum".

Ian (smile)

Blasphemy! Oh that poor tree, never had one that smelled bad. Now I'll never be able to sing that song again, without thinking of this version. Merry Christmas!

lol too cute, if not a bit smelly(the tree)

enjoyed

lol I get so fed up with christmas songs I love to see a bit of irreverance!

One year I had to (got to?) burn a Christmas tree because of this problem. Fortunately it happened after the 25th. Certainly some Yankovic quality you've got there, haha.

Love this piece. It's my fave of all your Christmas-y attempts. But now I'm curious... is something wrong with us that both of our pieces contain references to urine? Hmmm...

Hi ChestersDaughter

Very funny piece. Much enjoyed. I think I've changed my mind about a real Christmas tree and am heading out to buy a plastic one.

I'm so sorry for the delay, guys, I've been desperately ill. I see there are a ton of pieces for me to devour, you've been busy little beavers. I'll be catching up on all asap. I was hesitant to post this piece, I thought it was a bit too much and felt like a beast for making a mockery of such a beloved with toilet humor to boot. Initially, it was meant as a private piece of fun, but my kids thought it was hilarious and after two weeks of their wheedling, I caved and posted it. Seems like the little buggers were quite right for once.


Dear Cae, A big kiss for outre. I'm honored you thought the rhythm worked reasonably well, that is, after all, your specialty. Your nod means a great deal to me.


Dear Uzo, Where have you been? I know you are on the naughty list for neglecting us so. I pray all is well with you. A wish to save Mr. Smelly would have provided a lovely happy ending, and you know how much I hate those things. I fear there is no hope for me, I even pervert the sacred season of Christmas. lol. I'm glad you enjoyed and am even gladder you're back, I've missed you terribly.


Dear Ian, Welcome, love, naughty is my middle name. I should love to read Requiem for a Rectum, if you feel it's too out there for the board, PM it to me. That title had me tittering away.


Dear Cindy, I see someone's been photoshopping, you make an adorable Santa. Yep, blasphemy indeed, which is why I was hesitant to post it. It's a bit much even for me. It's one of my favorite carols, especially when being emitted from Mario Lanza's pipes, I love that man's voice. I'm sorry I've corrupted it for you, but a little piece of me is glad that you'll remember something I wrote when you hear it. A very Merry to you, also, my dear, dear friend.


Dear Sync, Better the tree than the writing, lol. Your deeming it cute had me in stitches, never thought that particular word would apply to anything I'd written. Thank you.


Dear Jane, I thought it might be a tad too disrespectful, but then my impish side won out. Actually, I love Christmas carols so much, I even sing them during off season which drives my kids batty. I'm elated you enjoyed.


Dear OD, *taps foot* And where the heck have you been, young man? Another name for the naughty list. You actually had to burn a smelly tree? I never thought this scenario could be possible. I take your likening this to Weird Al's stuff as a great compliment, I had forgotten all about him, thanks for the memory nudge, his videos were priceless. Hope you plan on sticking around.


Dear Jeff, I haven't read your latest yet, will do so promptly. I know there's a whole lot wrong with me, but you, my dear, are very normal. I saw a dog left a leg to a tree across the street and this brainstorm hit. I'm thrilled you like this best of all my Christmas fiascos, I was concerned that you might find it offensive. Now, do tell, kind sir, why did you allow urine to stain your lines?


Dear Shadows, Welcome, I love your name and look forward to reading your work which I hope is duly suffused in same. Real trees are better for their scent, providing it's actually pine and not other stuff. I haven't had a real tree since I was a child. I wouldn't dare attempt one now, my love of lights (actually intend to surpass the one in Rockefeller Center eventually, went to the actual lighting once, now that's a tree) would burn both tree and house in a matter of hours. Thrilled you enjoyed.


My sincere thanks and Merry Christmas to all. Keep your noses on guard while tree shopping and if you have a cold, bring a trusted friend. I'll catch up on all of your pieces post haste.

All my best,
Lisa

Dearest, Lisa, I'm sorry so late but you know the "cr*p" I've been dealing with, now resolved and with your support. Now, what a glorious sick poem to read! I sung it out loud and bursts of laughter kept overcoming me! I love it so much I'm going to sing it to Malcolm. He doesn't laugh a whole lot but he'll be smiling ear to ear. This is one of your best "funnies" in my book. In fact, I'm going to print it out to keep and sing it to my girlfriend who's going through a rough time. You really out did yourself! I'm a goin' to sing it again! Oh, my Christmas tree looks beautiful but I'll have to give it another sniff. I've been conjested lately.

Dear Laurie, I covet your laughter above all, thank you. The fact you think it good enough to share with Malcolm and your friend makes me so very happy. I rewrite the lyrics to songs all the time, but it's kind of like cheating to me, and they are usually packed with curses and far too ribald for here so I don't share them. Thank you again, love, I'm glad you enjoyed.