Thread: Here you come

Am I going crazy?
Have I gone mad?
You’re playing with my senses
You’re messing with my head

I’m pulling at my clothes
Falling on my face
Trying to catch up
Trying to be so perfect
Because of course
You’re worth it

Lovely dear
Loving darling
Baby please
I cannot breathe
Not with you on your knee


Long years
Large family
This future is clouding my mind
Cuz I’m feeling nervous
Trying to be your flawless
Wishing I was your beauty
But it doesn’t do me any good

I’m trying to keep my cool
I’m trying to keep on breathing
I’m trying to stop my cheeks from burning red
I’m trying to stop dreaming

But here you come
Here I am
Here we’ll be

I thought of a marriage proposal but in a way for some reason I felt for the mc because she keeps saying 'trying' so in a way it felt like she was giving 'herself' up to him - losing her own individualism.

as for the poem. I think you could rid a few of the repeated phrases like 'I'm trying' sometimes you can hammer a point home with repeats, just like those short clip sentences, they instill emotions in hard edged tones, but when you use them too much, they reverse that and lessen the impact, cloud the original thought. its a delicate balance, and sometimes an individual reader(like me) sees them one way, where another reader might enjoy.

i would suggest rephrasing the first two lines to get the ? marks away and also because 'crazy/mad' is the same in this context. so maybe a rewording of one? but pound that surety of her doubts of sanity.

I've gone crazy
It's driving me insane (this way you show the crazy, but also hint that somethings responsible, that you have questioned yourself, not in a bad way, but how sometimes love does this.)

an interesting poem of love, and the build up to the 'I do' or so I took this to be.

thanks for the read

Sync