Thread: Lay for the Road

FIGAROOOOOOOOO, FIGARO FIGARO FIGARO FIGAROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo

The cadence could be tightened, but its a song so the vowels and such can be stretched to fit

but things like 'raw/thaws' are so close in rhyme that you might reconsider their proximity so close in the same line. 'red/fresh/chewed'

the dialogue tags(sorta) I think could be removed, let the song continue unless you put the thoughts of the originator Jarm in. have him rein and such. I think reigns is ruling.

enjoyed the song. the second last stanza felt out of place. probably just me

thanks for the read

Sync

In poems, I'm a bit of a syallable-meter nazi, but as this actually is a song, yeah, the words force-fit into the rhythm.

I find it's a very dangerous, fine line, overusing assonance and alliteration, but I tried to strike a balance here that doesn't grate. It's supposed to be sing-songey. By dialogue tags, do you mean the lines between the verses? The first one is necessary, but the second one may go. And yeah, that is the wrong reins in there.

One thing I can almost guarantee will change is the beginnings of the latter verses. Think I'll make all of them start with "Oh, ho! The yetis know!"

thanks for the feedback
-cae

yes just the second, I like the dialogue, just not the tag, maybe if you just gave an indication that on this part (like a well-known chorus) it was a sung by all a bit louder, not just the one. I think with font you could do this or tags that include all the voices straining.

it's hard not to like a yeti, so will look forward to a piece of this story should you decide to post.

Sync

I liked the sing song cadence of this, cae. And the humorous verse fits just such a song and situation perfectly. I also think it's just enough, no longer, no shorter. The ending is perfect, the 'more or less' is a great ending.

I've been waiting for this, Cae, and you did not disappoint. I echo Cindy completely. I loved the bits about the wizard and the witch, absolutely delish, and the song as a whole delighted me and made me smile. I'm not sure if you should change it all to "The yetis know" because then you will have to alter the lines to make the rhymes and I really like them as they are. Your piece, your choice. Wonderful effort, love, and a million thanks for that smile, I really needed it.

Best,
Lisa

Thanks again, Sync. I doubt I'll be putting any of this story up here. Possibly similar stories.

Thanks for the feedback, Cindy . Your take is always appreciated. I've been toying around with a few possible verses to add, but it'll probably stay the same. This is right near the end of the story, which is where I finally am in the draft, thank god.

Thanks a million, Lisa . Glad you liked it. I probably won't change that much. I don't like "Oh, hack!" I'm gonna change it to "On, track!" I may add a line, if I can come up with something strong enough. And I'm actually planning on dropping a different song on you guys soon, but not one related to writing. Who knows, though, my soon easily becomes never , so we'll see. (eventually should have it)

I think the length of it is spot on, I probably wouldnt add any more verses. The humour sets the mood well I think. The rhythm works well in the song, it carries you along.

Thanks, Jane.

I've just given it an overhaul, guys. Rearranged it and tweaked a few things.

Hello Cae,

What's up? Such a strong cadence. It's a lot of sweet rhymes that runs off smoothly when read or said. I can't help but to imagine your characters singing the song with so much ease and delight.

My candid words: you have a great work goin' on here.

Thanks a lot, Foxryder. Glad it strikes you that way. The biggest thing up with me right now is finishing the project it's from.
-cae