Thread: Accident

I've kept this poem because of it's associations I think, but looking at it after 10 years I can see me using it as a basis for something new.



Still the warm coagulation of his blood
binds the knot of my clenched fist.
My helpless, hopeless hands.

Still the shivers scald my spine,
the rain I did not feel.
I hear his shallow grunting choke
and the silence of that long, breathless pause.
I asked, 'Is he dead?'
and my father's eyes stared into mine.
'Aye.'

And still the spectral shadows of my words
haunt the tears I never cried,
The life I could not save.

Very nice Jane. I like the mystery of who he is and it feels like you've captured the moment very well. You could very well expand on this, but I believe it stands alone also.

Thanks Gumby. I had to get up a bit of courage to post it, this is a first for me. Thats one hurdle over! I'm hoping to learn a lot from this forum.

I liked this, Jane.

i did wonder about the last stanza, 'shadows/spectral' they are so alike, filaments of vision so felt over told.

thanks for the read

Hi Jane.

Very nice piece, seems authentic and felt throughout. You definitely have a flair for free verse.

And I really love last stanza, it takes the whole thing to a deeper level. If you're interested in crits, I will suggest the same as Sync, and more specifically to get rid of "spectral". In my mind it makes that line more clumsy without really adding any vital meaning to the piece.

Also I would consider the title. It contributes to the piece in telling us why we are there, yet it doesn't seem to be the point of the poem at all. Rather I'd prefer a title to do with that final assertion you're making.

Thanks for sharing, I really enjoyed the read.

Martin

There's a timeless quality to this. It seems modern, yet at the same time old fashioned. Reads smoothly. Good use of alliteration, it's not overbearing.

Although it reads smoothly, you could trim a few words, but I'm not sure it is necessary. For instance:

Still the shivers scald my spine,
the rain I did not feel.
I hear his shallow grunting choke,
and the silence of that long, breathless pause.
I asked, 'Is he dead?'
and my father's eyes stared into mine.
'Aye.'

Good piece as is.

Welcome, Jane! I, too, enjoyed this. I must echo everything Van has said to the letter. I also agree you should consider removing either shadow or spectral as they are essentially the same thing. My only other possible nit is that I believe bind in S1, L2, should be binds. This is a great little piece and I look forward to seeing more from you soon.

Best,
Lisa

I'll give some general reactions/comments, and then follow up with a stanza-by-stanza analysis.

General

I had to reread this a few times, mostly to try and figure out exactly what is happening. This is not a bad thing!--quite the contrary, I found it highly mysterious and intriguing: questions ran through my head such as "Who is this man, what did he do, why is she killing him, what was her relationship/emotional connection to the 'victim', why was her father observing and what role did he have to play?" etc. You would certainly be justified in expanding upon this poem, mostly because it is so intriguing...but, it stands as it is without any problems. To have so many questions by a very simple exchange shows the power of the emotions you were able to capture/convey. Your lines ran together very well, with little to jar the reader away from being engulfed by your words. The highlight, though, was the impressive use of alliteration scattered throughout, which flowed effortlessly with the narrative.

Overall, bravo!

Originally Posted by Jane Martin

Still the warm coagulation of his blood
bind the knot of my clenched fist.
My helpless, hopeless hands.

This stanza brings up a few questions: is the knot a symbol for "tying the knot"? It is apparent that she is choking a man, but the fact that her hands are helpless and hopeless eradicates any implication of anger.

Still the shivers scald my spine,
the rain I did not feel.
I hear his shallow grunting choke
and the silence of that long, breathless pause.
I asked, 'Is he dead?'
and my father's eyes stared into mine.
'Aye.'

The one criticism I have of this stanza is that it is difficult to gage the age/maturity level of the girl. To so silently and (seemingly), without any resistance, kill a man shows a level of maturity or age that would seem to be able to identify whether or not a man was dead. If it were more rhetorical, maybe some sort of rewording? Otherwise, it makes it appear as if a young adult/adolescent just choked a grown man to death, with little struggle, and hardly any emotional reaction.

And still the spectral shadows of my words
haunt the tears I never cried,
The life I could not save.

The last line stands out here as a rebuke against the entire poem (though elements were hinted throughout). If she were the one choking the man, then how was she incapable of saving his life? That is what makes it haunting.

Hmm... I didn't read as in anyone killing anyone. I thought it an accident and the two of them trying to save a life... I guess the title should stand as is then...

Thanks guys, I appreciate the feedback & I'm so encouraged by it! This is the first time I've ever put any of my work out in the world and this is one of my early poems. I'm toying with doing some editing but I'm not sure. I like the suggestions made here and I can see the value of them, I will definitely learn from them for future work. What's holding me back is just sentimentality I think, I wrote this ten years ago and it already has an identity in my mind although its not perfect. I might make some small changes but I think I'll take what I've learned from this to write a new piece about the same thing. It will be interesting for me to compare them.
Incidentally, I was intrigued by the differences in interpretation. With poetry I think there is rarely a right or wrong, a poem is what you make of it as an individual. So I was really caught by your understanding of it VcatoV, it made me look at it in a new light. However, like you Martin I wasnt sure about the title and was considering changing it. Now I think I'll leave the title as it is.
I have changed the 'bind' to 'binds'- that was a typo lol but thanks for drawing my attention to it.

I think you paint a very visceral scene of someone dying right before the character's eyes. Powerful images here, especially the blood in the hands and the dying breath. Witnessing a death that close can't be a good thing. Liked it a lot. There've been a few incidents this last summer involving drunk drivers that I can relate to this, not in my family, or anyone I knew, but with friends of my family. The people who were on the scene had similar experiences.
-cae

Excellent portrail of the helplessness and the questioning (of emotion) which so many experience in situations like that.

Good read Jane. Look forward to some more of your stuff.

Ian

Cae, you have no idea how much you hit the nail on the head there...