Thread: Loss and Loathing

I wasn't always this way.
On a cool night, I felt the wind in my hair
like tender strokes from slender fingers of fate,
Beckoning me onwards through the shadows.

I heard the trees whisper of my worth,
And saw my true self reflected in the waters of the lake.

The way is lost to me now.
As I stare full into the darkness,
Searching for a path back to myself,
My soul is being devoured, piece by piece.
And the shadows pull me down deeper.

I know you don't see me in here,
Or mind my lament
from the tomb where lies my self worth.
But baby you're not looking.

You don't care about what's inside,
As long as what's out looks good on your arm.
You can't look past a long fringe of lashes
to see the expression behind them.

But I see you...
A fool overshadowed by his ego.
And I hear you...
Expelling words like bubbles
Fleeting and full of hot air.

When I touched you,
you were sweet and sticky like butterscotch,
But you've left a bad taste in my mouth.
.

I'm really new to this, so any advice or thoughts would be appreciated... even if you think it's terrible. I'm looking to improve my writing skills.

The atmosphere is fine. That works. I think, personally, that the major failing is a lack of eye catching imagery and/or innovative phrasing. You have images and you have phrases, but many of the images have been done to death, and much of the phrasing reads lukewarm to me. I say much, because four parts in particular are well done in my opinion:

I know you don't see me in here, (consider omitting "in"; it is unnecessary and its removal will tighten the rhythm)
Or mind my lament (do you mean that he is paying no attention, or that he is apathetic? If the former, than a simple "hear" is better)
from the tomb where lies my self worth. (I suggest editing this line; something like "from the tomb that contains my sense of self-worth". Just an example. It's up to you.)
But baby you're not looking. (This line strikes me as more casual and less contrived than the bulk of the piece.)

You don't care about what's inside,
As long as what's out looks good on your arm. (Conceptually, awesome stanza. "What's out looks good on your arm" is very clunky. If I were to edit that line, I might rephrase it as:

You don't care about what's inside
if I look good on your arm. (Again, just an example)

You can't look past a long fringe of lashes
to see the expression behind them.

But I see you...
A fool overshadowed by his ego.
And I hear you...
Expelling words like bubbles
Fleeting and full of hot air.

The more I think about, the more I believe that the strongest parts of the piece (those stanzas) are where it centers on the relationship rather than on the feelings of the narrator alone. For whatever reason.

Down the road, and feel free to disagree, my suggestion is to focus some more on finding your voice. You are already half-way there, if what I pointed out is any indication. Cliches (which abound in the first half of the poem) are your enemy because they are public domain. They are not yours. Anybody can slap one down and convey a thought. And, strangely, they do not help a reader connect to your poem, largely because they are universally understood on sight. The fun in poetry is that it is idiosyncratic AND universal. First and foremost, keep on developing yourself as a narrator giving life to any given piece of work.

All just my opinion of course. I hope you can find some value in my advice.

I really liked this piece. At first, it sounded like something written in past times, but then the word "baby" gave it a twist. I would just change a few things; capitalization seems a bit random. I just changed a couple things here, for an example:

I wasn't always this way.
On a cool night, I felt the wind in my hair
like tender strokes from slender fingers of fate,
beckoning me onwards through the shadows.

I heard the trees whisper of my worth,
and saw my true self
reflected in the waters of the lake.

The way is lost to me now.
as I stare full into the darkness,
searching for a path back to myself -
my soul is being devoured,
piece by piece,
the shadows pulling me down deeper.

Thanks for sharing the poem. As with many of the poems on this site, I was able to enter into a clear sentiment and feeling, and that to me is successful writing.

Structure wise, looking at the flow of the poem, I was thinking that the poem flowed better without the third stanza. The journey and progression of feeling might be more crisp and focused. I like the stanza, but thought it seemed out of place.

Thanks for the feedback. This is one of the first poems I've written and I know I have a long way to go, but I'd really like to improve.

I wasn't always this way.
On a cool night, I felt the wind in my hair
like tender strokes from slender fingers of fate,
Beckoning me onwards through the shadows.

I liked this introduction, you have a voice in there that you just need to get in touch with- its about finding your own words. The theme of the poem appeals to me and your turn of phrase at times confirms my impression that you do have a raw talent there. Like yourself, I'm new here & I want to improve. My own work is far from perfect but the people here are helpful and supportive.

'You can't look past a long fringe of lashes' This line conveyed to me his perception of his trophy girlfriend as well as the depth that she is hiding behind that fringe.

Expelling words like bubbles
Fleeting and full of hot air.

Liked this as well, it brought up so many different things. I could see meaningless bubbles in my mind's eye. It's as if he might as well talk under water for all the meaning his words have. Similarly, the lightness of the bubbles seemed to reflect the lack of impact or real importance of anything he has to say.

I agree with edge -- we can imagine how the author feels based on the parts that are about the relationship. It's less successful when you're trying to tell us how you feel and some of it does come across a bit like self-help speak. The emotions are valid -- perhaps work a bit more at expressing them in ways that are less familiar. If you're new to this -- then I think you're on the right track.

I enjoyed this poem and the story inside.

My only doubts were the usages of those seemingly ever present but mostly invisible words: such as - the - of - it but also repetitive words.

the use of 'ing' sometimes strengthens, sometimes weakens, its harder to use than most people believe.

So, to me, this could be tightened, just a little. a tweak here and there if that's what you want to do. If you just wanted a read and a thought, well its fine as it is

I enjoyed this piece.


thank you for the read

Sync