Thread: my undying day

coffee brought you closer
i do not mind a friend
you will be my undying day
until you never end

the night made a bargain
i just sleep on him
if i was to ever see his face
i'd surely miss my target

you'll never die
but you'll see death
you'll be this way forever
my undying day
it lives, to die and face the weather

and when i wake into your arms
and sleep into your breast
our ideals are not the same
some how we still mesh

my undying day, undying
but i'm only dust, proudly
i'll still hear the sounds
i once first lived from breath

i once first lived from breath

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any advice?

any advice for me please?

thats me ...i made a linking accounts error

anything, please


you guys are great


did i mess up

there has been eleven more views and still nuffin...

I know that when I don't reply, it's usually because there's nothing wrong with the piece, but it didn't grab my attention. I like the rhyming here, but I'm not really understanding what's going on. I liked the first stanza, but then I got confused.

Originally Posted by Elijah Oats Ayers

coffee brought you closer
i do not mind a friend
you will be my undying day
until you never end (a lot of my poems are emotion based, sorry for the hassle. this poem altogether is about me not wanting the day to leave.)

the night made a bargain
i just sleep on him
if i was to ever see his face
i'd surely miss my target ( the night is dark so thats when we sleep, if we stay up and see his face we'd mess up what we were doing, i.e miss our target)

you'll never die
but you'll see death (people die every day)
you'll be this way forever
my undying day
it lives, to die and face the weather (this line is alluding to the changes in weather make the day just as bad as night)

and when i wake into your arms
and sleep into your breast
our ideals are not the same
some how we still mesh (we wake up and it's day, and when we take naps its day often. but day never sleeps

my undying day, undying
but i'm only dust, proudly
i'll still hear the sounds
i once first lived from breath ( a man is dying but his last day on earth felt like it lasted for forever

i once first lived from breath (( repetition)

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any advice?

this poem is about someone who was waiting to die

and my personal philosophy is the very last thing you experience is that which bids you death...

and death is not an experience, it's a given

So I think your metaphorical skill is by far your greatest asset. You have a syle that is simultaneously sensory yet very still a great comparison. But I think perhaps you should work on your technical skills, work more with meter. Especially with a poem of this length, short, the technicalities can really add a lot. IF you wanna go into free verse, try lengthening the lines and hyping up the word choice, but thats for different kinds of poems that this one. For those like this I'd love to see what you can do with meter in combination with your metaphor.

Originally Posted by Elijah Oats Ayers

coffee brought you closer
i do not mind a friend
you will be my undying day
until you never end((This I feel is your best stanza. Has rhyme scheme, assonance in the third line, and it was really interesing how you shifted from trochaic in the first line to Iambic in the rest, just wish that had continued throughout the other stanzas because that really fits your vocab))

the night made a bargain
i just sleep on him
if i was to ever see his face
i'd surely miss my targetI get the sense this could have either used less words (elliminating words like "just" in the second line) or more. As it is it doesnt have much real description, although I do commend your figurative language, I think that's one of your strongest skills in general.

you'll never die
but you'll see death
you'll be this way forever
my undying day
it lives, to die and face the weather((Maybe it's just me but I the last line confuses me, it lives to die?))

and when i wake into your arms
and sleep into your breast
our ideals are not the same
some how we still mesh((loved this stanza, great metaphorical connection to death, and a stellar rhyme with "breast" and "mesh" as those two word can connect on their own, soft meshing, good imagery. Only, I had a problem with the word "ideals", doesn't seem to match the tone of the rest and I would have preferred something more abstract, not to mention disrupts the iambic. Great stanza though, of course.

my undying day, undying
but i'm only dust, proudly
i'll still hear the sounds
i once first lived from breath

i once first lived from breath((interesting, I really get good imagery from this, I can almost hear the man's last breaths. Very final yet still peaceful, great way to end. But maybe stress that imagery a little more? I'd like to see what you can do with it))

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any advice?

Originally Posted by Zar

So I think your metaphorical skill is by far your greatest asset. You have a syle that is simultaneously sensory yet very still a great comparison. But I think perhaps you should work on your technical skills, work more with meter. Especially with a poem of this length, short, the technicalities can really add a lot. IF you wanna go into free verse, try lengthening the lines and hyping up the word choice, but thats for different kinds of poems that this one. For those like this I'd love to see what you can do with meter in combination with your metaphor.

thanks so much...

have to look up some of those words...thank you

you take poetry very seriously, like myself