Thread: Waking

Light
from somewhere
distant
and behind

darkness;
a labyrinth of
braids and limbs;
an outline of
closed eyes, nose
and lips -

from behind you
light reaches

me.

I like what you're saying here Martin, very nice. I can see a picture in my mind very clearly when I read this.

Oh so very thought provoking and clever, Martin, dear, very clever, indeed. I'm still on the fence as to which way I want to take it. You probably know which way I'm leaning. Truly enjoyed this little gem.

Gracias señoras : )

Lisa, I'm glad you perceived the different layers. I've aimed for three of such and yeah, I'm quite sure to which one you are connecting the most...

hello

I wasn't too keen on the double 'behind' it felt last could be removed. but also 'darkness' could be assumed as the light is behind, so it leaves an image of shadowed features without pointing.

subtle imagery, only my thoughts

thanks for the read

Sync

Thanks Sync. The imagery is supposed to be that of an awakening of the senses and a growing conscience - why the repetition and the vagueness...

ah, maybe it was the 'ness' on darkness where 'light' was just without.

The light was meant as something concrete as an image and something undefined as a metaphor, where the darkness slowly unfolds as both...

i think 'darkness' could be removed. go right 'and behind...a labyrinth.... - it just shows vice tells of mystery.

but anyway, just my thoughts, and I do like this poem, so don't get me wrong in my thoughts, its just how I critique.

thank you for the read

Sync

You're right, it's not essentially necessary. I do like to keep it though, for the emphasis and the contrast, why I also put it in italic. I do take your words as constructive critique, no worries : ) And here's a revision for display per your suggestion:



Waking

Light
from somewhere
distant
and behind

a labyrinth
of braids and limbs;
an outline of
closed eyes, nose
and lips -

from behind you
light reaches

me.

you know, maybe its just its attachment to the first stanza, if it was on its own, then it would be like the fulcrum point of the poems meaning. that balance between light and dark?

I'm still finding that poetry's inner meanings are personally attached to both the reader and the writer, how our outlook in life has been.

the first time I read 'of braids and limbs' i thought I read 'a braid of limbs'

Normally when I critique anyone I advise them to let suggestions sit on the mind for a bit, play with them on a word pad, but never rush a decision, because though i might suggest, the writings always must be in your own words, and when you change one way of saying something, it effects the whole poem, i akin it to a spider's web, writing that is.

thank you

Sync

Well, the meaning, or my intention with the poem, was really to make an existential assertion. It's not so much about balance but more about 'waking' from attachment - realising that we are independently of each other. I tried to display it through the imagery of the narrator waking from sleep, by an actual order of perception of the things that are; light -> darkness -> you -> me. And if one wills it, light and darkness may symbolise good and bad, making the poem about actually breaking free consciously from a negative attachment to someone.