Thread: Nefarious Nonsense at the North Pole (Warning: Not for the kiddies)

Slow roasted reindeer is a rare treat,
it's succulent meat that can't be beat.
A reward reserved for ambitious elves
who work 'til they almost kill themselves
and, of course, keep their workstations neat,
'cause that's exactly where they'll have to eat.

Beasts in the team who fly too low,
or become roof shy and refuse to go,
get reprimanded with a butcher knife
for Santa simply won't abide strife.
He's quite the cantankerous CEO,
more so when dumped by his latest ho.

Mr. Kringle, himself, adores hoof soup,
far better than broth that starts in a coop.
It keeps him toasty during his journey
and "is completely legal" says his attorney
as was reported in a tabloid scoop
when a leak went unplugged by his PR troop.

The little folk don't have it much better,
ruin one toy, and it's out into the weather.
Sans coats, boots, and jingle bell hats,
they're refused reentry by thugs packing gats
and the snapping jaws of a rabid setter
who prides himself on being a go getter.

A union rep who showed up last year,
was chopped to bits and fed to the deer.
For the Big Guy reigns with an iron fist
and doesn't take kindly to being dissed,
especially when soused on scotch and beer
as is his habit as Yuletide nears.

Disregard North Pole want ads if you're smart
or you, too, may end up torn apart.
Higher stock prices are all that matters,
Wall Street moguls left Toyland in tatters
and ripped out St. Nick's still beating heart
with plummeting lines on a profit chart.

Big business has the Pole in its grasp,
gone is the magic of Christmases past.
Since I was naughty and told this story
and went so far as to appear on Maury,
I've been warned to install new door hasps
to keep out their gift of a nest of asps.

Merry Christmas all, please wish me good luck,
my sighted rifle says Santa's a sitting duck.

Lisa! One of the most enjoyably hysterical (laughing) poems yet! Not that I'm an expert by any means but your rhyming is impeccable! So many great lines to quote, I'd be quoting the entire poem!

You need to put together a Holiday Fun poetry book. All the holidays and occasions, complete with illustrations. I bet it would sell. Really. You so funny! You haz cleverness spurting everywhere.

That's funny!

If you bag Dancer or Prancer, save me some of the backstrap.

Never been fond of venison, myself
but I just might go for a taste of elf.

You are soooo naughty, Lisa! You just may wind up with a big stocking full of coal, but then again, these days with the price of heating, that might not be such a bad deal. Merry Christmas, sweetie.

Excellent Lisa, this is so well done. Your sceneries are grotesque and delightful. I feel also the piece stretches deeper than just what's told...

Merry Christmas back

I thought this poem might be funny. I sort of like the idea of the North Pole being a depressing place. It's kind of funny.

But then this poem depressed the hell out of me.

As always, you have a vicious, wonderful sense of humor. Your poems always make me laugh.

Dear Laurie, Loved hysterical, thank you, but you're being far too kind with impeccable, a few of the rhymes could be better and there is still a few bumps in the flow. While this one was purely for fun, it needs some tweaking, but I need a little space before I try to tackle it as all attempts thus far have been fruitless. I'm so happy you enjoyed.


Dear Sondra, I find the idea of a little book of these holiday things I do highly appealing. That you think it might actually sell I take a a great compliment. If ever I endeavor, my daughter Melissa could illustrate, the girl has a blessed pencil. You've given me much to consider, love, and I'm elated you enjoyed.


Dear Stonefly, Thank you so much, but I'm afraid I can't accommodate your request. Not a single deer would ever be injured by these hands, my aim's too sharp for that. And let's face it, all that beer has made Santa quite a large and easy target.


Dear Cindy, I'm shocked, my dear, elf? Have you gone cannibalistic? If so, I have a proposition for you, how's about a bit of roast David, I'd be free from prosecution due to a lack of evidence. Actually, I wouldn't risk poisoning you. lol. I've never had venison nor would I be willing to try, I had a uncle who hunted and brought a big package of the stuff to my Mom and sarcastic fellow that he was, told me he bagged Bambi. Now you know why I'm so warped. As for coal, that's what I got last year, hence the expose. Thanks so much, love.


Dear Martin, I love you for grotesque, thank you so much. Glad you enjoyed, love, I am always so very pleased when you like something of mine.


Dear Brick Man, Infinite apologies for bringing you down. My humor is not for everyone, which is why I put the warning in the title. Again, I'm really very sorry and hope I haven't made you too sad.


Dear Damien, 'Tis always a great pleasure to have you in one of my threads. I love you for vicious, that's me alright, and thank you for gifting me with your laughter.


Merry Christmas to all and my sincere thanks for sharing a few of your hectic and precious holiday moments with me.

All my best,
Lisa

Haha, great stuff, Lisa. Santa sounds like quite the tyrant. Enjoyed a lot, and Merry Christmas.

Loved the black humour of this, its brilliant. Couple of lines need tweaked a little just to perfect the flow but I find continuous rhyme very difficult so kudos on doing it so well. Whilst the funny side hit me immediately, it left an aftertaste of reality as regards the materialism of Christmas. Very clever.

Dear Cae, Thrilled you enjoyed, love, leave it up to me to make Santa a tyrant, I'm just so naughty. Gonna be able to heat the house for the entire season with this year's gift. A very, very Merry to you also, hon.


Dear Jane, Black humor is probably the only thing that keeps me going. These holiday rhymes always require a good deal of fine tuning to get them to flow properly, meter and I are not friends and most likely never will be. The bumps in this are nagging at me, but I've had a good deal of stuff going on of late, so I haven't had the proper mindset to correct this yet. I am truly grateful for your mention of materialism, which fueled this piece. It has marred the true spirit of Christmas irreparably and saddens me greatly. Elated you found it clever and even more so that you've joined us. Merry Christmas, love.

All my best, always,
Lisa

lol, this I really liked. I always visualise a grumpy no-frills Santa with clock-work orders.

I've tried caribou(one of the finest meats I believe. when i was up in Labrador I bore witness to a herd over 100k in strength. when running they sound like ever-lasting thunder. it was quite amazing.

I loved so many stanzas that I can't choose a fav

thanks for the giggle and smile

Sync

Hi Lisa

A very funny and wry take on Santa's grotto. I needed a laugh today. Some great lines and shrewd view of some cut-throat businesses today. I did enjoy this.

Dear Sync, Poor Santa's job has always been stressful, every house in one night, poor guy. Having Wall Street money grubbers running the show would turn anyone into a tyrant. I would have loved to catch sight of that herd, a Kodak moment, indeed. I'd pass on the Caribou, though, if it's not raised on a farm, I'm not eating it. Glad you got a laugh, love.


Dear Shadows, Honored I enticed a titter, that what these are for. Elated you enjoyed, love.


All my best and Merry Christmas,
Lisa