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Thread: right around this here time (advice)

  1. #1
    Eli
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    right around this here time (advice)

    here is one i just randomly wrote


    right around this here time
    an ice shard pricks my skin

    we won't be happy when it's done
    we weren't happy then

    i hope it helps
    i mailed the mail

    we tricked our jolly friends
    what they don't know, and we sure do
    it will break really quick in the end

    it will break really quick in the end

    for we got there's
    but it's not ours
    oh it's mine alone

    i hope it helps
    i mailed the mail
    to each of our jolly friends home

    right around this here time
    they all be screaming right around my door

    leaving us this junk filled cake
    with what's much worse in the core

    and i promise that the "man in red"
    will leave more deer crap on our roof
    so for all of those who don't believe
    just wait i'll show you proof

    it's our one day old tradition
    365 and counting
    the joy of hearing sirens scream
    and the big wet laps, for mounting

    though one part is a jubillee
    one part is a joy
    the smile on the face of every girl
    and the joy of every boy

    Noel, Noel

    it's finally come
    we'll no longer ponder
    until seven more day
    the hip hoorays
    these Christmas days will be yonder

    these Christmas days will be yonder
    -----------
    i endorse none of these views, well not most of them
    ============


    what do you think?

    and advice?

  2. #2
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    Eli, exquisit imagery

    an ice shard pricks my skin

    leaving us this junk filled cake

    the joy of hearing sirens scream
    and the big wet laps, for mounting Would somehow clarify this but love the imagery
    and i promise that the "man in red"
    will leave more deer crap on our roof
    so for all of those who don't believe
    just wait i'll show you proof
    This appeals to my wry sense of humour!

    it will break really quick in the end

    it will break really quick in the end I would keep these lines together
    A great job which keep me interested all the way through! Laurie
    Last edited by SilverMoon; 12-03-2010 at 05:03 PM.
    "Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light" Groucho Marx
    http://www.punksoulpoet.com/2011/04/inspired-by-the-artist-andrea-wch/#top"Emalyne"
    http://www.motleypress.artandsole.org.uk/Issue1opt.PDF
    "No Forgiveness for the Chrysalis"


  3. #3
    Eli
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilverMoon View Post
    Eli, exquisit imagery





    This appeals to my wry sense of humour!



    A great job which keep me interested all the way through! Laurie

    the big wet laps part I may change...

    it is Santa Clauses lap....it's wet from pee

    but how would you have known that..lol

    thank you so much

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