Thread: Traumatic (a lipogram)

(a year or so old, found it again. Thought Id tweak and post)

I’d known nothing of compassion
as a child. I would savor isolation,
avoiding warmth of any fashion
out of unfamiliarity. Unknowing
how such a thing could touch
on all kinship I would find.
Haunting my thoughts, disturbing,
unfit and unworthy of bonds
that now hold my soul conjoint.
Why do you subsist? I can’t
grasp what would prompt you
to stay. I don’t think I can supply you
with that for which you thirst.
I want so badly to try for you
but it’s difficult. My body just
can’t conform. My mind just
won’t commit. I stay optimistic
that if you stand firm, hand in hand,
I will finally find a way.
For you.

I like, and can relate, to this. It gets at the very human difficulty of deeply wanting to transcend old wounds, and their consequent psychological impact. The narrator is caught between his/her learned defense mechanisms, and a desire to connect with the other who inexplicably (according to the narrator) is reaching out. He/she recognizes the gesture and wants, but is unable to, reciprocate. That's my take.

One possible change might be to replace "Unknowing" in line 3. I don't think it makes grammatical sense.

What letter did you omit?

Watto CL,
An intriguing read. When I like a poem, I start to tinker with it, E.G.

I’d known nothing of compassion
as a child.

became

As a child I’d known nothing of compassion

Then I stopped, realising that the format adopted, intentional or otherwise, reflected the MC's state of mind. I.E. tight and constrained at the beginning,loosened up at the end.

A very worthwhile read,

Brian
.

The letter E, not a single one (or q, x or z, but those are uncommon anyway), good show, Cory! I agree with the Edge's interpretation, but did not have a problem with unknowing at all. I, too, can completely relate to this. I found a few of your line breaks a bit awkward, but aside from that, I believe this is one fine piece of work.

Best,
Lisa

Thank you, your interpretation was spot on. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Yes, E was indeed left out.

I am still working on breaks and punctuation. I have no classical training outside of HS english so its more of a trial and error thing. Reliant heavily on you guys

What would you change about the breaks?

this reminds me of my internal struggle for love...

lipograms are cool


thank you for posting, great work

Cory, love, I've broken it the best I could without altering too much. I would have preferred to shorten some of the lines even further, but found it a bit too choppy that way. I now see Edge's point about unknowing. Using a comma after unfamiliarity would fix it grammatically,(but that results in quite a long sentence) or you could retain the period and say I was unknowing. Line breaks are a matter of personal preference, and this is only my humble opinion. Hope this helps some. Damien is the best breaker here, hopefully he'll throw his hat into the ring. Hope this helps some, and if you hate it, just ignore me.

I’d known nothing of compassion
as a child. I would savor isolation,
avoiding warmth of any fashion
out of unfamiliarity.
Unknowing how such a thing
could touch on all kinship
I would find.
Haunting my thoughts, disturbing,
unfit and unworthy of bonds
that now hold my soul conjoint.
Why do you subsist?
I can’t grasp what
would prompt you to stay.
I don’t think I can supply you
with that for which you thirst.
I want so badly to try for you
but it’s difficult.
My body just can’t conform.
My mind just won’t commit.
I stay optimistic
that if you stand firm,
hand in hand,
I will finally find a way.
For you.

Best,
Lisa