Thread: I'll Be There

When the ground beneath your feet starts to shake
When you feel you can't live with your mistakes
When you think your heart's just gonna break
Call me, I'll be there for you.

When they're hurting you from all around
Can't speak a word can't make a sound
When you feel the peace just can't be found
Call me, I'll be there for you.

This world will throw its shit at you
You will find it hard to keep being true
Don't lose your faith coz I'm here with you
And I'll always keep being true.

Use me as you would a trampoline
Rise high to breath the air that's clean
See the sun that you have never seen
Just know that I am here for you.

This day will surely end in rain
We live, we fight, we strive in vain
Our hearts are pierced through, by the pain
But I'm still here for you.

Will love be lost here in the crowd
Will we lose ourselves in shame and doubt
Will envy raise its head, high and proud
I don't know what is true.

But love and life will keep moving on.
It'll last even if we are gone
Hold my hand and try to keep being strong
I'm always here for you.

In the dark I'll help you find the light
I'll help your whiteness turn more bright
I'll help you fight even a losing fight
I'm always there for you

I'm always there for you
I'm always there for you

Reformat this with longer lines,

When the ground beneath your feetstarts to shake
When you feel you can't live with your mistakes
When you think your heart's just gonna break
Call me, I'll be there for you.

Like this it makes better "eye candy" and is an easier read,

Brian

I did the edit.
How's the piece itself?

Hey Corrus.

I noticed a few inconsistencies in your piece.

Your first two stanzas have the same last line, and then you stop doing it after that, which is a bit jarring, in my opinion. If you're going to go with the repetition, make sure it's something strong, and make it consistent.

The line "This world will throw its shit at you" conjured up some kinda gross mental images, and also made me chuckle, which is not the reaction you were going for, I imagine.

"Will love be lost here in the second
Will we lose ourselves in shame and doubt
Will envy raise its head, high and proud
I don't know what is true."

This stanza doesn't rhyme, making it inconsistent with the rest of your piece.

"I'm always there for you
I'm always there for you"

This wasn't really necessary, in my opinion. You've made it clear throughout the rest of the poem, not to mention the title. I don't think you need to repeat it at the end, certainly not twice.

Overall, and don't take this in a mean spirited way, because we've all been there, I think the piece was a bit boring. It expressed something very common, and in very common terms. Maybe you could work on shaking up the vocabulary, or expressing things in interesting, clever ways.

Cheers, and good luck with revision!

This seems to be a real world from the heart poem and therefore only you can decide whether it says what you wanted it to say. The manner in which it is said is a secondary issue. It certainly gets its message across,

Brian

Thank you Brian and Farror. I certainly hope this poem gets its message across, and I kinda think it will, knowing her as I do.

And Farror, I do realize now that I read it again that it certainly could have been stronger. Sorry about the 'second'. I don't know how that happened. It's supposed to be 'crowd'. I've edited it now. This is only my fourth piece of poetry, so I hope I'll get better with time. Thanks for all your help and suggestions.

A quick thought that may stir something in you:

I was interested in the order of each stanza's last lines and was thinking that if there was some sort of logical progression, that might add another layer of sequential meaning to it. In particular, to this point, I felt that the sizth stanza with its ending expression of doubt might be better placed at a different point. We all doubt ourselves at times, but, assuming my sense of your poem is accurate, you would like to reinforce that despite a sense of the unknown, ignorance, or a lack of confidence, you still seek to be faithful. If this is the case, then a more flowing order might help underscore this a little more strongly.

Thanks for posting.