Thread: The Journey Home

I wrote this after a particularly foggy drive home, and it kind of developed meaning as I wrote. Any feedback would be fantastic!



The Journey Home



The first steps
are shrouded in fog
a slow five yards of road
I take my time with them and soon
I'm moving faster on a stretch of pavement
elongating with the steady application of entropy
the universe stretches its broad infinity clearer than crystal glass
windows shield me with a limiting view as I try to comprehend an expanse with no end
extending before me for one brief glimpse of eternity
as the sight threatens to tear my sanity asunder
a pair of thin clouds shade my eyes
enshrouding me in mist again
my destination is near
idling before I take
the last steps

It certainly makes a visual impact which it obviously loses when orated. Otherwise at times I was left bewildered

windows shield me with a limiting view as I try to comprehend an expanse with no end?

But then I'm a bear of little brain,

Brian
.

I like the image you paint with your words (figuratively and literally). However, I did get a little lost 3/4 of the way though. I think part of my problem is the lack of breaks in the flow. I need a chance for my brain to catch up with my eyes, and this happens at periods and commas. I think you did that on purpose to match the speed of your words with the speed they were trying to convey, but it causes me to have to stop entirely and reread sections of your work.

I know that all sounds negative so let me tell you what I liked. You have many layers to this poem all with one meaning: speed. It is simple and complex at the same time.

*Edit* I do not claim to be an expert in poetry so take this as the opinion of an amateur.

I used to work nights and so had to drive in very thick fog at times. That experience made me able to understand exactly what you are saying here, and the feeling you get when you are there. You know that you're moving, but because of the fog, you almost feel like you're not moving at all. It's a very disconcerting feeling.

BRN,
the universe stretches its broad infinity clearer than crystal glass/windows shield me with a limiting view...

the view opens wide and clears up, and suddenly the limited view from the windshield helps protect from overstimulation, if that makes more sense. In the middle of my drive, all the fog cleared and it got more than a little distracting. The sky was completely clear and visibility went from twelve feet to what felt like two miles.

I'm guessing if I have to explain the meaning I'm doing something wrong. What could be clearer in the poem? Was it obvious that the narrator was driving or should I put that in the title or hint more clearly in the lines?

Verum Scriptor, thank you for the compliment. I don't think I can break the flow in this one, but I'm looking more closely at the ending to see if I can make it less confusing. Did anything throw you off besides the lack of breaks?

Gumby, I think the reason this poem turned out the way it did is because of the stretch of road with no fog at all. I almost went off the road a couple of times because it was just so pretty. Can you think of anything I could improve on in this poem?

First, welcome to the forum, Elric. It's best to put explanations after the piece so as not to influence the reader outright, it ruins the mystery and the fun. Fantastic job visually aligning the piece with the actual journey, fantastic job, indeed. For what it's worth, I was not confused at all. As for mentioning the car, not necessary in my opinion. Both windows shield me and idling are sufficient hints that you are driving. Although you began with steps, leading one to believe you were perhaps walking, those clues say otherwise, even though one can idle while walking, we usually first associate it with a vehicle. Personally, I like it as is and have no suggestions as to changes. Much enjoyed.

Best,
Lisa