Thread: In My Grave

Dark covers the world like a plague,
thinking of all the help i gave,
forgetting the good it brought
seeing only destruction wrought
wishing i was a rock,
make me a stone,
so i may lie still soon
sleeping far past noon,
and forever into the gloom
thinking of an impending doom,
wishing that it stop so i could go home soon
to lie forever in my grave,
with all the love that i gave.
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This is actually one of the few poems I've written... My ex-girlfriend saw it and said I should post it somewhere, so I figured why not.

Not bad. You should keep at it.

I agree...I liked it..

At its root is a crie de coeur which a more disciplined approach which would allow you to better express. You must decide whether or not rhyme is a significant element if not then abandon it. Partially rhyming otherwise free-form verse looks scrappy and ill thought out.

Brian

BRN right above me basically said what I was going to say with twice the eloquence. I had to look up crie de coeur, my sincere thanks for that.

Your poem tastes like depression, and conveys that feeling well. I like how you compared that deep sadness (heartbreak?) with the stillness of the grave. However, impersonal sadness is hard to relate to and sometimes comes off as whining. What help did you give? What good did it bring? What destruction was wrought? I could empathize with the speaker much more with some concrete examples in the first lines.

Also, there has to be a more original way to say doom and gloom than just gloom and doom.
"wishing that it stop so i could go home soon" did you mean wishing that it would stop?