Thread: Old Dress

Thank you Verum, you're very kind to say so.

Originally Posted by Gumby

In hers are folded notes, in loopy little girl scrawl,
the latest gossip passed
to: Mary, Sunny, Tina;
tiny flowers dot each i.

The alliteration in these lines is amazing; they all flow together really well. Yet the next verse begins with "His", which I found to be a bit jarring after the smoothness of the preceding lines. Maybe this was intended in order to show the "smoothness" of women vs. the "harshness" of men? I just think there might be a better way to begin the line in order to transition from the alliterative flow to the next verse.

Hi VcatoV, you may well be right, there probably is a smoother way to transition. I was going for a contrast between the feminine, talkative feel of little girls to the more reticent, abrupt language of little boys. I'll have to think on that one some more. Thank you for pointing that out here, you are the only one who has commented on the difference in feeling there, so I'm glad that it did at least come across, even if it wasn't fully successful.

Very beautiful poem! "Tools young boys use to build a man" is a FANTASTIC line!
The only thing that hung me up a bit is the first line of the second stanza; it seems a bit long for the flow of the poem. Maybe rephrase this a bit? Other than that, fantastic work!^^

I have a few thoughts about this piece, but am still unsure of the level of critiquing allowed in this particular forum. just little things, but i'm still new so had to ask first.

I've decided to just post my thoughts.
you wrote:

Old Dressers

They stand like empty tombs,
these wooden markers of their past, - 'of their past' felt too much, try to keep it on the dresser, this line is the only one that veers to them.
keeper of clothes and secrets.

In hers are folded notes, in loopy little girl scrawl, - scrawls? because more than one note? I'm unsure myself it just caught my eye
the latest gossip passed
to: Mary, Sunny, Tina;
tiny flowers dot each i. - love this image.

His hold matches, pocket knives, crumbled cigarettes;
tools young boys use to build a man. - use to build a man' i think could go, because it draws in a 'man' when it should be only the boy. tools boys use

My hands caress the smooth wood,
reading nicks and dents like braille.
The story of their childhood,
the fairy tale, the reality. - maybe 'from fairy tale, to reality' ? to show the change, false/truth

And I realize,
no matter how many tears I shed,
all stories end,
and we have to close the book. - book feels unattached, if it went back to the dresser/drawers i think the image would be completed.

I do like this poem, the images and some very nice lines.

thanks for the read

Sync

Hi Blackthorn and Sync. Thank you both for your thoughts on this poem. You've given me some good points to consider when I gain a little distance and perspective from this work. Thank you!

Wow, a lot of impact here, Cindy. Loved it.

Really felt this line,

My hands caress the smooth wood,
reading nicks and dents like braille.

Thank you Cae, you're always so supportive of my stuff and I truly appreciate it.

Ahh this is such a great poem, so full of nostalgia, especially stanza 2&3, which perfectly and concisely evoke the joys of girlhood and boyhood.

"keeper of clothes and secrets"- I loved that line, with the mingling of the mundane and the intriguing "secrets". Intriguingly, the poem itself seems to be alluding to a lot more than what it explicitly tells us- I wondered about the story of the speaker, who has to let go of the past.
The "close the book" metaphor was brilliant too, so resonant for any lover of fiction, the poignance of shutting away something with a rich and poetic significance. The whole last stanza, in fact, had a quality of poignant practicality. Great work!

Thank you chez for such a nice review. That line owes the word 'keeper' to my dear friend ChestersDaughter.
Yes, this is does allude to a larger story, but that's for another day, yes? Thank you again chez.