Thread: Snow: Past, Present and Plausible Future (EDIT 1)

Edit 1

Once upon a time,
an army of angels adorned
pristine blankets
the color of cumulus clouds
as they guarded forts
erected to protect
combatants during snowball wars.

Avenues, seeming victims
of an avalanche,
remained unblemished
as far as my eyes could see.
Daddy trudged forward,
his nose as red as Rudolph's,
his hands gloved in cracked leather
wrapped around the frayed rope
belonging to big brother's sled.
Passed down and all mine
for Flexible Flyers did not come
equipped with boobs.

A booming voice belied
the tininess of my stature,
"Faster, Daddy!"
sent snowflakes scurrying
in a blast of breath.
He picked up pace
as if running a race.

My mittened hands hung
onto the slats tight,
as giggling in glee,
I raised my face to watch
flakes fall in streetlamp's glow
with my tongue stuck out
to catch flurries that hurried
toward the cave of my mouth.

Snow remained virgin
for days back then,
untouched by sooty smudges
and free from corruption
by the pollution of progress.

These days, within hours,
purity absconds
leaving the landscape littered
with sullied angels
hued a garish gray
bespeckled by black
crystalline sludge.
Impeccability replaced
by eyesore
with a few inexorable sweeps
of wristwatch hands.

Niveous drifts
have fallen victim
to the abject
and filthy fist of humanity.

I fear for children's tongues
in generations to come,
when falls of ebony flurries
sear like sulfuric acid
scorching both skin and lungs.
Not an angel will be born
nor adorn
smoldering blankets
the color of a warlock's heart,
toxic to all
save hell spawned beasts.

Revenge to avenge
centuries of violation.
In time, Mother Nature
will weary
of weathering
repeated rapes.

Wow, that last stanza packs a punch. I was right there on that sled with you, hearing Daddy's voice and feeling those light fluffy flakes caught on my tongue. Wonderful Lisa. You've captured a perfect picture of the past and the present.

toward the cave of my mouth.

Lisa, you have some wonderful turn of phrases, here. And the ending blew me away!

Eventually, Mother Nature
will weary
of weathering
repeated rapes.

Your alliterations are so smooth. When I begin reading one of your pieces I know I can't count on such jems! All in all, a very powerful ending...

I did not see that on the way. Thought this was going to be light-hearted all the way to the end. As is the same with all your poems, I like this one.

I was merrily riding along in a pleasant reverie of shared family joy, expecting a peaceful journey, when all of a sudden I find myself wiping soot from my jacket and imagining an apocalyptic horizon! Not fair, but compelling in how you facilitated a journey with you.

Thanks.

Dear Cindy, Ah, how I loved that sled and my lone "reindeer", I'm surprised I didn't give Dad a heart attack with my shrill demands. I'm thrilled I could bring you along for the ride. As for the ending, NYC snow goes a disgusting grey far too quickly. Colorado, here I come, can't blame a girl for dreaming. I'm glad the ending packed a punch, thought it may have been too much of a flip flop, but I suppose that was the whole point of the piece. How I miss the "good old days".


Dear Laurie, I'm pleased the ending worked for you, also, and that you liked cave of a mouth, wasn't sure about that one. You know I'm addicted to alliteration and that you think I manage smooth makes that fix all the more enjoyable. Thank you, love.


Dear Verum, Thank you, dear, I'm glad you liked. I love twists and use them whenever I can.


Dear J, Loved your reply, that's the exactly how I hoped the reader would feel. Truly appreciate your sharing your thoughts on this one.


Thanks to all again, now if you'll excuse me, a few flurries have begun to fall and I need to dig out my hazmat suit.


All my best, always,
Lisa

This felt like 3 poems to me.

I enjoyed them all, but think the part of reflection to childhood would stand better on its own.

a few things

and filthy fist of man.

I never like seeing the singularity of blame falling on one gender when it comes to the destruction of this world...it doesn't balance that way. so maybe 'humanity' ?

you wrote:

Once upon a time,
armies of angels
adorned blankets,
pristine and pure,
as they guarded forts
erected to protect
combatants during snowball wars.

isn't pristine and pure about the same? maybe 'white' we have then an image of pristine white, like hospital sheets, free of dark flecks of any kind.

'armies of angels' - is this a reference to children? lol i loved snowball fights.

why 'adorned blankets' ?

you see that's where this first stanza snagged me, I saw the 'once upon a time' fairytale beginning and then armies of angels but the 'blankets' made me think of snow, how it blankets the world. so then I wondered if 'angels' were 'snow angels' children make(an me too if i fall) but that brought me to 'armies' and I thought 'fallen' would suit more. in a way, it tells two paths, one of snow angels marking where kids played and also the mischief of our lil angels get into.

perspectives are an individual taste, what you write doesn't have to be seen exactly as long as it is enjoyed by the reader. I enjoyed.

The reason I believe the 'family' part should be on its own is because the last last part of the poem felt a bit preachy(though a good subject) it took away from the family beauty you portrayed so well before. So where I was smiling for a bit, it let me down in feelings at the end. I know the world is changing, so a bit of light is always better at the end rather than casting me into the dark.

Anyway, just my thoughts.

thank you for the read

Sync

Dear Sync, Welcome to the forums, and I truly appreciate your in depth. You hit on the one thing that disturbs me greatly about this piece, the preachiness of the ending. To be honest, initially it was supposed to be about Daddy and I, and forts, all fond memories. Somewhere along the line, my intense dismay at what has happened to our environment bumped good sense. I should have written two different pieces to address each subject individually, but in the end, I thought the contrast would have more impact and thought I'd take my chances with the preachiness.

The use of man was intended to be collective, but I agree with you and will be changing it to humanity. Pristine and pure are basically the same, I knew someone would call me out for that one. I just liked the way it sounded to be truthful. Will seek to revise. I love your mention of duality regarding the first stanza, even though I was being literal, the figurative aspect of your interpretation I like even better. Armies of angels adorned blankets is completely literal, referring to the countless number of snow angels in untouched snow that we surrounded our forts with as our "front lines of defense". The fact that it could be taken as you suggested pleases me greatly.

Again, it maybe better to split this into two, although ending on a dark note is something I often do, perhaps in this case it's not such a good idea. I think what I was going for was to thrust the reader into the dark to sharpen the point, beauty turned into disaster, most likely in the hopes it would act as a wake up call if nothing at all. The use of plausible in the title lends to the possibility of hope, which I thought would be sufficient to silently plead that it doesn't have to be that way. This piece is strange, even for me, it's best I rethink and possibly split it into two, not sure yet. I'm glad you enjoyed and please know your thoughts are well appreciated and I thank you profusely for the time you invested in this.

All my best,
Lisa

I was just about to head to the store when I peeked in and saw your reply.

first off thank you for taking my critique as just a critique on the writing. sometimes this is not the case and it deters me from proceeding.

To be honest, as I reflected on what you just told me, I believe if you wished to keep the two together it would be easy to do. Just attach those world changes to the past more personal. btw I ramble because my mind is weird when it thinks, so pardon any long-winded replies.

but what I mean is where you had pristine and pure angels - you could when taking about the present/future, have a mention how those angels are now covered in filth - then attach it to how and who did it. So keep the 'thoughts on this world' because they are meant to be here, and you want to say this as the poet. But just meld the same voice, so the whole things is one story.

if this makes no sense its because i'm probably out of sync again

I do like this poem, and also have a true passion for this world

thank you for your reply

Temp - temp is my nick from the last site I just moved from. I was going to use it here but my email had this nick 'sync' still attached. So until I get used to Sync, ya might see an occasional temp

Dear Sync or Temp, Which would you prefer? The fact that you thanked me for accepting your crit in the correct spirit leads me to believe you've had a run in with at least one person who prefers to hear they are perfect. It is I who must thank you for your brilliant suggestion to use the angels as a bridge to marry all three parts. I've taken a stab at it, I'll probably tweak some more over the next day or so, a little distance is in order, but this will do for the time being. I think it's a little less disjointed and I nixed pure in S1 to rid it of redundancy. I firmly believe there is always room for improvement in any given piece, sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees. Thank you so much for your time and trouble. I sincerely hope you will be sticking around, love, you've a keen eye and an astute mind.

All my best,
Lisa

Sync is fine

I'm glad you are setting it aside and thinking about the changes rather than just making them. It takes time to put changes, recommended by another writer, into your own voice. Nice to see that you, and others, are doing that.

Dear Sync, Normally, I mull things over, but if someone says something that I immediately agree with, and will improve a piece, I edit post haste. I have already made significant changes to this one based on your suggestion. I've added the angels to both the present and future. This piece did not feel "right" to me, probably because it was so disjointed. Even if I continue to refine it, the angels are staying throughout, they are the tie that binds. Again, many thanks for your suggestion, it really was genius and fixed a piece I thought I would have to toss in the bin and start all over from scratch.

All my best,
Lisa

Yup, I understand. Normally I delete all my work accept my last piece of writing when I come to a new site. Just this year I deleted about 6 years worth lol, many shake their heads at why, but I have this 'theory' (then again I can be insane most times)

Hardest part is posting a piece on a site, that first one, urgh, nerves me still even after all these years of writing and critiquing. I think that's a good thing though because it means I still believe it needs to be improved.

I am glad you decided to save this piece, its hard to see a writer let go of any writing.

thank you again

Ps - i tend to ramble, just warning ya

Sync

Darlin, I am the Queen of Rambling, but will gladly scoot over on the throne to make room should you care to be seated. Wordiness is my bane, in pieces and replies, so ramble as you need to. I agree with you, the initial unveiling is always nerve wracking no matter how pieces one has posted. If a piece goes so far as to make it here, I never abandon it, I'll edit it to death, but I won't delete. I figure seeing my mistakes may help someone else keep from making the same. I had a notebook full of half written garbage that never made it here, I tossed it into the recyclables two months ago. Some messes aren't worth saving. Thank you again for all your help.

Best,
Lisa

Lisa, I really like the concept, but the word choices, structure and flow might make it my favorite of yours yet. Some really strong writing. Great work.