Thread: I am afraid to say

I am afraid to say
That on this occasion
I was lost by your
Untransparent
Lack of transcendence
Fortunately, my lack of words
Are sweet,
And incoherent.

I must say, this is rather a witty way of saying, "I'm shocked speechless that you are so dumb."

At least that's what I got from it. Is that what you meant?

Nice one, though I personally prefer something deeper. But in this case, the excessive simplicity of the piece is rather endearing.

I understood that something/someone might have upset you - and this is that emotion in words & poetry. I'm most likely wrong but that's how it read.

Very enjoyable and witty, as it succeeds in making you think about what you might be implying. Kind of like a riddle or play of words.

Very nice.

big fan of less is more so this works well for me
& enjoyed the brevity + word play = mind f*ck

just think a few tweaks here and there
would make it pop right off the page

some ramblings after reading several times:

wondering if the title needs repeating as first line
what if? take away that and line two becomes line 1
is it me or do untransparent and fortunately read clunky
(haha my spellchecker is struggling with untransparent as well :)
there's something about the tense of was ...
with line one gone, could was be changed to a simple I'm?
and if fortunately became fortunate, what happens to the last three lines

to be taken with a grain of salt and thanks for the read, enjoyed playing with it

my spellchecker is struggling with untransparent

My immediate reaction is, that is because it should be "Opaque", then I thought "I am afraid to say", nobody ever means that, it's a sort of disclaimer. "lack of words", oh , silence. "incoherent" a rambling silence that doesn't hang together? Hmmm, quick "Tut" or wry grin, as it is you I think the wry grin is more in order.

I enjoyed this, Farror, very clever. The caps every line are distracting, especially in such a short piece. I rather like untransparent, spellchecker is insane, it's a perfectly acceptable word. My only real nit is "My lack of words are sweet", since lack is singular I believe it should be is sweet.

Best,
Lisa

Hey all. Thanks for the feedback!

My intention for this piece was to describe talking to somebody who's rhythm of expression, so to speak, is out of synch with how you think, or express yourself. Everything becomes akward, stilted, and almost nonsensical.

Olly, you really picked up the vibe I was going for. I worked on that piece for quite some time to get it to hang together in a way that was coherent, but in a strange, incoherent way.

Ash, I do see what you mean about the title and the first line, but I'm not quite comfortable flipping lines one and two. I'm thinking about a different title, but nothing leaps to mind. Suggestions are welcome. As for unstransparent, as far as I know, it's not a real word, but I'm rather attached to it.

Chester, I'm considering removing the caps. As for "My lack of words are sweet", I was trying to play around with it a bit. It's not correct, strictly speaking, but I was working off "words", as a kind of opposite to saying "my words are sweet". That may not have come accross properly, in which case, further revising might be necessary.

Once again, thanks all for the feedback.

do like

Thanks Alan.

Originally Posted by Farror

Ash, I do see what you mean about the title and the first line, but I'm not quite comfortable flipping lines one and two. I'm thinking about a different title, but nothing leaps to mind. Suggestions are welcome. As for unstransparent, as far as I know, it's not a real word, but I'm rather attached to it.

yes, i'm not adverse to it either and enjoyed the exploration of an unfamiliar word
and have a much better understanding after reading what you and Olly have said

and sorry for not being clearer, i didn't mean flip lines one and two
i meant keep the title as is because i think that works really well
and take the first line out so line two becomes the first line
with the word that removed so it reads like this ...


I am afraid to say

On this occasion
I'm lost by your
Untransparent
Lack of transcendence

hmmm and now that i'm here, i'm starting to wonder about a line break between transcendence and fortunately?

and yes, i think the last three lines aren't doing justice to your intent
there's a heap of latent power right there ... waiting/brewing
to smack me in the face i.e. pop right off the page

love it