Thread: My Life

Sitting in the dark room
on the leather couch
holding hands
I can feel my hand starting to shake
but then I begin
to feel his leg shake
with what little light there was coming from the computer
I was looking deep into his eyes
he was doing the same
as I am looking
I see our future
I see him proposing
getting married
buying a house
having twins
I look down at our hands
I close my eyes
he whispers," i love you"
I whisper," i love you"
he laughs
I ask," what?"
he says," nothing"
I look up
give him the puppy dog face
he rolls his eyes
"I was just thinking about how much you mean to me
how if you didn't come into my life again
I would be lost
I can't imagine this world without you"
I tell him stop
as I do a girly giggle
I look back down at our hands
he puts his hand on my chin
lifts it up so our eyes meet
"no I mean it
where would I be without you"
"I don't know
but you would be fine," I tell him
"no I wouldn't
I will follow you anywhere
and I won't go anywhere unless you go too
you are perfect to me"
I smile
he lifts my chin
into a kiss
as my stomach tries to get out of the knots it's in.

Welcome to the boards.

The very last line was IMO the best part of this piece. It gave it the notion that it all might just be a lie for her and somewhat redeemed the otherwise too novel nature of the whole piece.

But as a poem I think ultimately it fails. It hardly uses any poetic devices, say for line breaks. It describes the scene in too much detail for the reader to do any of the imagination for him or herself. It's not poorly written, it just doesn't read as a poem (at least not a conventional one).

I think you could benefit from reading some of the many pieces posted on here, and then read the critiques they've received. Or you could start to read and analyse published and recognised poets. That is of course if you have an interest in improving your own writing.

And please note it's all just IMO.

Best,
Martin

Its not a conventional poem, its a narrative poem, its suppose to describe the scene with great detail. Its suppose to tell a story. And its suppose to show emotion.

It does show great emotion, but it tells too much instead of showing. My favorite poems are the ones where there can be different meanings, depending on who is reading it. There was absolutely no doubt about what this poem was about, and that made it a little too predictable.

Good poem...

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I'm sorry, kitkatbaby, but I agree with Martin and Damien. This seems to be a descriptive paragraph of prose with line breaks. Narrative poems employee poetic devices such as metaphor, simile, rhymes (internal or end), alliteration, assonance or consonance. Using these devices allows the poet to show rather than tell and leaves room for the readers to draw their own conclusions which leads to individual interpretation. Martin's advice of reading the work of others is spot on, and really helps, take it me from me, I know because I've done it. Please don't be discouraged, and keep writing, I doubt there is one of us here that hasn't received this kind of advice when starting out. There is much to be learned on these boards if one is willing to do a bit of studying. Good luck with your future endeavors and I look forward to seeing more from you.

Best,
Lisa

Originally Posted by kitkatbaby84

Its not a conventional poem, its a narrative poem, its suppose to describe the scene with great detail. Its suppose to tell a story. And its suppose to show emotion.

There are many ways to narrate a story and show emotions, ex. using those devices Lisa mentions. Sometimes less is more and in regards to poetry that is very often the case. For me, what constitute the best poems, is that they allow us to conclude something for ourselves. By being explicit about everything, the reader gets no room to do this.

I hope it helps