Thread: One

Belated beauty beset my mind
kind, her smile shimmered and shined

no thought does she preconceived, yet she proceeds
bringing beauty which she conceives

my hardened heart it penetrates, demonstrates
delightful decadence of our fates,

so I stand and succumb
as we band and become one.

"No thought did she preconceive, as she proceeds" - i like this a lot, definately my favourite line! love opposites!

i really like your writing style here and for me the poem overall gives the impression of the moment you 'let someone in'

its beautiful and i'll look forward to reading others!

If you're going to attempt rhyme then you should aim at some kind of rhythm or meter as well. The only lines that have the same beat in this poem are the two in that last couplet. I suggest you start by doing a syllable count and rewrite this.

True... I was focusing on alliteration and rhymed as an after thought, to be honest. Maybe I succeeded at neither.

thanks saraheva for the words, thats my favorite part too.

I disagree with the meter. I hold a more unconventional view of what poetry is.

I liked your piece. The third couplet seemed a bit forced to me though, other than that I enjoyed it.

Cheers

Wow i loved it, really fantastic work, i think my favorite part was the first

Belated beauty beset my mind
kind, her smile shimmered and shined

to me this is the most visual part of the poem, really enjoyed it

This has flair.

It's something I've seen before and I kinda like it. It's a mix of free form, rhyme, and meter.

Things either work, or they don't.

Your alliteration and your rhymes are good, but they're kinda forced in places.

If the piece is meant to be enigmatic, I'm sorry, because it strikes me as a riddle, though a pretty good one. Your piece makes perfect sense when I see you standing in the waves at the shore.

The style is undefined, but good, I think, but also immature, and there's nothing wrong with that at all. The only cure for that is to write more, and more, and more.

Belated beauty beset my mind
kind, her smile shimmered and shined

The rhyming of line one's final syllable with the first and last syllables in line two jarred. Change "Kind" for something that doesn't rhyme and the opening will flow better,

Brian

Dear Jon, I really liked your piece, it had a certain quality of style to it. Now please accept my apologies for messing around with it a bit. I agree with Rob's advice and tried to rearrange it a bit, only during minor changes. Not saying my edit is as it should be, just wanted to spend some time with it, say as an enjoyable exercise...

Best,
Martin



One

Belated beauty beset my mind
kindly her smile shimmered, shined;

no thought is preconceived, yet she proceeds
bringing beauty which she conceives -

my hardened heart it penetrates, demonstrates
delightful decadence of our fates,

so I stand and I succumb
as we band and become one.

Thanks martin, I made some edits to the last 3 stanza's per your suggestions. I really like what you did to the third, as someone mentioned it felt kind of forced before, now it flows better.

As far as the first stanza, I like the rhyme right after the first line. When I read it, the pause works. But I'll be giving it some thought anyway because Martin's version does seem to flow rather well, so thanks Brian.

Belated beauty beset my mind
kind, her smile shimmered and shined

I like the slight pause/jarring of the connection between the first and second line.
It gives the beginning a sense of being unsettled which then relaxed as the poem moves on until it reaches the gentleness of the end.

Im glad you like it, it kind of reinforces my own opinion. Thanks.

Hey Jon, I also like this, and I think it would work wonderfully with different line breaks. I know Martin has given you his take, here's mine:

Belated beauty beset my mind (nice alliteration)
kind, her smile shimmered and shined. (I also like the pause of kind and think you should keep it)

No thought does she preconceive, (lose the d for the past tense)
yet she proceeds
bringing beauty
which she conceives.

My hardened heart,
it penetrates,
demonstrates,
delightful decadence
of our fates.

So, I stand,
and succumb
as we band
and become one.

Hope this helps. I really liked this.

Best,
Lisa

I enjoyed this one Jon. There's nothing I can add to the wonderful advice you've already been given. Keep up the good work.

Thanks Chester's. I changed the tense of 'did' per your suggestion. Thanks for the suggestion on line breaks aswell, I'll keep it in mind.

Thanks Gumby!!