Thread: four square meals

this is part four of the sole woodland series
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my breakfast be a bitter bone,
lunch and dinner worse.
still the sweetest sin that i take in,
is only when i thirst.

my whole life is just four square meals
three lie flat
one tall
the meal i have 10 times a day is the best of all

spare a shilling if you will,
i just may have a tale.
if you spare me two or more
i just may tell it well.

it isn't to my own demise
i dabble into pleasure.
i told them dig me my own grave
but i will keep the treasure.

the thirst i have aint half as bad
as going to the stocks.
i'll keep quenching,
i'll keep begging,
and picking at these locks.

my breakfast be a bitter bone,
lunch and dinner worse.
still the sweetest sin that i take in,
is only when i thirst.

best inventions ever made get better as they go
we want the same things we dispise
i'm watching this mold grow.

everybody's doing it
but i'm just doing this.
if they don't like it they can go
straight to *explicitness* .

i built this land myself you know
me and mines alone
if it were not for my great mind
where would they find a home.

i think i'll rest my head to death
and rise it into ice.
the only way you'll never stop
well...you'll have to try it twice.


my breakfast be a bitter bone,
lunch and dinner worse.
still the sweetest sin that i take in,
is only when i thirst.
...

oh come around this merry grave
this joyous going down.
don't forget to act compassionate
while faking a frown.

the greatest gift we'd ever have
he probably gave us two.
he leaving us to lead ourselves
and 150 proof.

ashes to ashed, dirt to soot
we killed the mayor of theses woods.

our breakfast be a bitter bone,
lunch and dinner worse.
still the sweetest sin that we take in,
is only when we thirst
at least he did it first.

thanks?

help?

i'd appreciate it....

this poem stunned me, really one of my faves- I'm not much of a poet *just started* so i cant really give any constructive criticism

I thoroughly enjoyed this, Eli, repetition once again works (love that stanza) in your favor and the content is superb. There are a few bumps in your flow, nothing a word swap or two won't remedy. Since you are using punctuation, it might be a good idea to also use the appropriate caps. I think the 10 in S2 would be better as ten, aint should be ain't and there is a typo in despise. I believe your use of "mines" and "theses woods" is for the sake of dialect, if that's not the case, then those are typos. May I suggest breaking the final line from the last stanza and allowing it to stand on its own, it would increase the impact. Again, I really enjoyed this.

Best,
Lisa