Thread: Dave the Builder

The frenetic freak is in the house,
Mr. Frank N. Stein's perfect spouse.
Seductive staples here and there
traverse a belly that scares when bare.

Sure I abhor looking a mess
but missing parts make me no less,
in fact I feel they make me more
for losing them engorged my core.

So poke your fun as I know you must,
gleefully giggle at joints fused with rust.
Point fingers at a roadmap of scars
and squeal in delight "You must be from Mars!".

Your tininess shows in your taunts
which one day will come back to haunt
your burning ears as you hang in hell,
as Satan enjoys poking as well.

Broken words from a broken man
syllable by syllable erect a span
from your sofa to depths below
where Mengele waits to be your beau.

So build your bridge with every dig,
I hear down south, they love roast pig.
Take a long look before you go,
I'll be waiting and eager to show

a butchered abdomen and smiling face
to wish you well in your new place.
Words of advice as a house cooling gift,
sometimes it's best to keep your lips zipped.

Now you've got me laughing with this one. Though I know there's a serious underlayer, that sharp tongue of yours has tickled my funnybone. I'm just picturing Dave the Builder getting 'poked' and thinking of the possibilities.

This has serious under layer, like Gumby said, in it. But I seriously can't stop laughing on all the poking and stabbing that is going on. I don't know if you mean to put dark humor in the mix, but if you did then you did a wonderful job.

There is only one thing that I believe that should be fix. Your poem rhymes wonderfully until the last line of words during the last stanza. To me it doesn't seem to fit with the rhyming. You may choose to keep it, but I think you should reword that last line.

Other than that, I think it was great a flowing poem.

I love the way the poem didn't tend towards anger in any way. Just an understanding of the worthlessness of the antagonist.
Very optimistic and high minded.
Thanks for sharing

Again, your wry, sarcastic humor, with a little nettled truth shines through. Maybe two suggestion. S3L4 "and squeal in delight I must be from Mars." and squeal in delight, "You must be from Mars." Also I would love to see the very last line much stronger. I think you could come up with a knockout. Still looking for that love poem, Lisa

hugs
Sondra

*sings* Dave the Builder-Can he fix it? Dave the builder-No... He can't!

Well, like all your pieces, this certainly tells a tale. Other than those pointed out by the others, I find no nits. Good stuff, my prolific friend.

Dear Cindy, If it weren't for the serious undercurrents, I'd probably never write. I am so happy you laughed, laughter cures all for me. Isn't wonderful how many ways poking can be taken, but I'm sure you know which one I intended. I really should get my nasty mind out of the gutter. It gets worse, please read my reply to Beary. Thrilled you enjoyed, love.



Dear Beary, I thrive on dark humor, love, it's what keeps me going. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I agree with you about the last line, it's an off rhyme, I would have preferred a perfect rhyme but could not come up with one to enable me to say what I wanted. I'm still working on that in the hopes something will click. The current last line is just a filler for now, but it does have a purpose, which is why I used it. There is a subtle duality which can be grasped more easily if you add good old Mengele to the mix. Eventually, I will change it, but for now, I giggle every time I read it.



Dear Ifmyante, Thank you profusely for your reply, it made my year, and I'm talking 2011 in entirety. I am the eternal enraged pessimist. That I was able to write this without it being poisoned by my usual attitude makes me so happy. No sense wasting precious energy on words from a tiny minded, mean-hearted fool. Even those who refuse to carry the burden of remorse eventually have it thrust upon them whether they like it or not, patience is a person's best revenge. I'm elated you enjoyed.



Dear Sondra, I wasn't sure which to use, I or you, and I neglected to use quotation marks because I'm an absentminded idiot. Will fix both promptly, thank you. I thank our good Lord for giving me the ability to laugh at that which disturbs me, I can only imagine how miserable I'd be without it. I've already addressed the last line with Beary, I'm still seeking the killer finish, it'll come eventually, in the meantime, the double meaning will have to do. Truly appreciate your vote of confidence in finding the doozy.



Dear Jeff, I've never watched the show, although, with a little one, I'm sure you have. Please tell me it's better than Barney, David the Gnome or *shudder* Teletubbies. My days of watching children's shows have thankfully come to an end. Thrilled you enjoyed, love, still working on that last line and am fixing the others per Sondra's suggestions. As for prolific, first, thank you, I consider that a great compliment, second, everyone here would be writing like mad if they had the kind of time on their hands that I do. It's the only upside to my mess.


Thanks again to all.

All my best,
Lisa

They Queen of Wry as Sondra suggested. You got him good with the poison pen. Don't tred on writers!

A couple which I really took to:

Broken words from a broken man

Such truths. You manage to bring them about with your innate ability to express humour. Very rare, indeed.

So build your bridge with every dig.
I hear down south, they love roast pig.

Here for sheer enjoyment. I LOL knowing the situation.

This poem is a Lisa classic!

Dearest Laurie, I fear I must disagree, my pen fairly wept kindness and tolerance with this piece and was not nearly as poisonous as it can become. I'm just kidding, love, you of all people already know that. Thrilled you enjoyed, for I enjoy nothing more than getting a laugh at the lovely man's expense. The titters of others do me more good than any medication and most certainly soothe any stings that linger. Thanks, Laurie, love.