Thread: Trio Seed (Advice)

Here is part three, this one is about the hard time everyone is having with the planting and harvesting-- Butt figyuh owt duh ress fo' yo'selth

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We thirst for drought, yearn for snow

Lament the rest
Lay waste to slumber
there's no spring we Killed the summer

Humble welts they let us know
We thirst for drought, yearn for snow

Lethargy rose
Bedtime cries
We shot him square between the eyes

Humble welts they let us know
We thirst for drought, yearn for snow

We clasp the gale,
hold on to it firm
We catch the fish,
but eat the worm

Humble welts they let us know
We thirst for drought, yearn for snow

Gathering time, one minute away
Though the fruits of our labor still many a day

Close the store houses,
moth hath arrived
When the wall comes down
We shall surely thrive
The perfect example in unseen disguise

This omen travels to and fro
We supplicate and hope he goes

These

Humble welts they let us know
We thirst for drought, yearn for snow


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This was the most fun to write so far...any suggestions?

You probably want periods because of the capital letters after each stanza. Or make change some of the capital letters that are not needed. (Lay waste to slumber is an example in my opinion.)

Some grammar errors that can be edited real quick if you look through it.

Other than that the poem had a nice sentiment and showed a very nice picture of what you believe the main idea is.

I esp like the 6th stanza because, to me, it shows how hard they working for little food. This was a great poem and I hope there is more to these "parts."

It reads beautifully, but I don't understand most of it.
My problem probably, not yours

I really liked this. I imagine it would make a nice song. I'm not quite sure of some of the line breaks and capitalization, but overall a great read.

Originally Posted by Ifmyante

It reads beautifully, but I don't understand most of it.
My problem probably, not yours

It's about the difficulty of servitude-- but it is nessecary for them so they can survive, they kill all obstacles(tangible or abstract), but this can be a bad thing by not taking rest-- they make the work longer


I have part 4 coming up

Originally Posted by Eli

The perfect example in unseen disguise

I suppose it was mainly this line that threw me off. It seemed to me that there was something you weren't telling me.
I loved the fish and worm bit. Real hardship

Eli - Personally I like the stanzas ending without a full stop. Personally I like it all just as it is. Are you originally from the south, or do you have relatives from the south? Some of your turns of phrase sound southern in origin.

I, too, enjoyed this, Eli, and welcome, by the way. The erratic caps are quite distracting, and using them in conjunction with commas usually warrants some periods. The rule for punctuation is usually all or none. Whatever you choose, the caps still need some revision, some are causing unwelcome pauses. Love the two lines of the repetition, as well as the fish/worm usage, very effective. Nice work.

Best,
Lisa

...no city boy, I'm from Jersey originally.

but my voicing for poetry is different from how i speak-- depends on what i'm writing

thanks-- part four is posted