Thread: Unspoken Truth

It hung in the air between us
the truth behind the pain
unuttered, unattempted
mauled by grief untamed

we drifted like the continents
Pangea but a dream
destructing, deconstructing
oceans left between

our burden now mine to carry
a shroud I'll not escape
encumbered and encompassed
bound by our mistake

Another good one, I absolutely love that second stanza. Very deep. (no ocean pun intended)

Thank you, Gumby. The second stanza is my favorite, as well.

Second stanza is excellent. Very creative and well phrased. A couple is one body until the Earthquake. Speculation and suspicion widens the rift. Then two separate bodies.

The other two stanzas did not live up to the second one in my opinion. They are well constructed but lack the innovative punch in the gut that made the second so memorable.

This is an excellent poem, I will surely read more of your work. And I don't think the first and last stanzas are bad at all. The second stanza is better, true, but that works well for the flow to have the second stanza so good and the last to be more mellow. All three stanzas are brilliant.

Dear Jeff, Again, I am blessed with inside info, you've done this topic great justice. The piece as a whole is excellent, but I agree with the others that the second stanza is to die for. What brilliance. A few words of advice I hope you will take seriously and ponder for just a bit. Lay that burden down, it is not yours to carry any longer. I am one hundred percent certain, that whatever it was, has been completely forgiven, God would accept nothing less. Stop suffering unnecessarily, love, the actual words may have remained unspoken, but enlightenment comes at the moment of passing, all is known and all is well. Gee, I hope I've made sense, if not, let me know, I'll elaborate further in private. Excellent effort.

Big bear hugs,
Lisa

Originally Posted by jpatricklemarr

It hung in the air between us
the truth behind the pain
unuttered, unattempted
mauled by grief untamed

we drifted like the continents
Pangea but a dream that is dope...I love this line, one of my favorite of anything I ever read.
destructing, deconstructing
oceans left between

our burden now mine to carry
a shroud I'll not escape
encumbered and encompassed
bound by our mistake

If I dare offer a suggestion to a Great like yourself, I would change the title because I'm pretty sure every poet has a poem with this title-- Pretty generic *No don't smite me*

Yes , excellent poem

May God bless you

Originally Posted by Edgewise

Second stanza is excellent. Very creative and well phrased. A couple is one body until the Earthquake. Speculation and suspicion widens the rift. Then two separate bodies.

The other two stanzas did not live up to the second one in my opinion. They are well constructed but lack the innovative punch in the gut that made the second so memorable.

Hey, Edge... glad you took the time to give it a read. I wrote this thinking about my brother's recent death and all the times we let brotherly squabbles and the grief over losing our parents get in the way of saying, "I love you." Such a simple thing to do, really, but we blew it over and over again. So, yes, I regret that. And I agree that the first and third stanzas are not as creative, but I'm not really sure what I would write in their stead. I'll give it some thought.

Originally Posted by toneman

This is an excellent poem, I will surely read more of your work. And I don't think the first and last stanzas are bad at all. The second stanza is better, true, but that works well for the flow to have the second stanza so good and the last to be more mellow. All three stanzas are brilliant.

Thanks, toneman. I appreciate it.

Originally Posted by Eli

If I dare offer a suggestion to a Great like yourself, I would change the title because I'm pretty sure every poet has a poem with this title-- Pretty generic *No don't smite me*

Yes , excellent poem

May God bless you

Eli, I'll never smite. And I agree with you about the title. The trouble is that I asked friends to throw titles at me and I would assume the challenge of writing a poem around it. So, I did not pick the title and want to honor my friend (an old girlfriend, actually) by keeping it.

Thank you for the compliments. I look forward to reading your work.

J

wow, truly a masterpiece, i felt sad when reading it, and after i read its origin it allmost made me cry

Life is so precarious. And regrets hang onto us unrelentingly. I'm sure the love between brother's was always understood, but damned old pride is such a culprit. Well written and well felt.

sondra

Hi Jeff. Thanks for sharing your story and I'm sorry to hear about your brother's passing.

I have some suggestions for your poem.

In the first stanza, I think "truth" is a little too abstract. After reading your explanation it surely made sense, but before that what exactly was meant by it didn't occur to me. Maybe it would be too direct, but what about replacing it with "love"?

Second stanza is very clever and says a lot, with or without the explanation.

Third stanza doesn't sit that well with me. The use of "encumbered" is a little confusing, as it reads like it's either the burden or the shroud that is encumbered, but it would be the narrator right? Maybe a period or semicolon in the line before would fix it...
In general though, unfortunately I think the whole third stanza falls a little flat as is. For one because of the lack of metaphors and imagery, in contrast to the preceding stanza, secondly it's quite low on content, but most importantly, the point you are making (that you are now alone and with regrets) comes off a little forced to me. Again this is based on having your explanation, but I think that for the reader not knowing the personal context, that the whole piece would simply stand stronger ending after second stanza.

I understand if you don't feel like changing something this personal, just thought I'd throw in these suggestions anyway.

All the best,
Martin

All of it is so perfectly well written... it brings out all of what is 'Unspoken' full of emotion - as far as the title I would go so far as to recommend only removing the second word, 'Truth', if you like. So it would be 'Unspoken'.

I can relate to this poem... but I still have my brother.

Hmm, thought provoking. Thanks.