Thread: "Our Next Life"

First poem ever re-edited from original post. Just looking to see if it is decent enough to give to the one I love....

Our Next Life


Meeting you was fate
Our love not by chance
I have no regrets
Of this gift so grand


Our love on this earth
Didn’t last a long time
We had to say goodbye
For the rest of our lives


A love that can't be now
But will in another life
Still in my dreams
I pretend to be your wife


My angel from above
You came to save me
My heart is still yours
And forever it will be


Our lives so far away
Now separated by a sea
I can’t wait for the day
When we meet by the sea


I fall asleep for the last time
And wake up to a sun so bright
I know exactly where I am
The warm sand feels so right


For the day I had been waiting for all of my life
Has finally arrived
I can now open my eyes
I’ve imagined this moment so many times


On this beach we will embrace
And stroll into our first sunset
The sea will no longer separate
Our forever now lies ahead


Loving you is an unbearable thirst
My heart can barely survive
But I know must live first
Before loving you in our next life…

While I can't argue with the sentiment, and always applaud poets who take the time to edit and rework their pieces, this particular piece has a few stumbling blocks. It's hard, of course, to write anything romantic without risking cliche and this goes wading fairly deeply into those waters. The rhymes here tend to be "almost" rhymes, which always irks me a bit and, in one spot, you rhyme "sea" with "sea," which seems to be the easy way out. The meter was off a few places, as well.

I hope all that doesn't sound TOO critical. All those things are fixable and the pursuit of sharing your feeling in verse is an honorable one. We ALL write clunky pieces now and then that require one or more tune-ups before they are ready to share with the world. That's why we're here in the first place. So, please, keep at it and keep sharing your work.

J