Thread: Which Is Better? Please Read

Which of these two I wrote are better?

I need to enter one of them....I have plenty more aswell


-------------------

Ghost Machines
Ghost factory, ran by Ghost, Using Ghost machine
The only goal they have in mind
Is to one day build a spleen
Their breath of sleep

The smell of dreams
The taste of time
To build a spleen
Which really has no purpose
But the bare eye cannot see
The hue hope
Inside their heart
Is quite like you in me

They died to their desires
Now we call them unfullfiled
Call their faith in hoping-
"Fool built Ghost Machines"

And now I stand inside it all
And my job is to clean
The pale white gears will turn to green
The pale white gears will build these spleens
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Hands Down
I am not worth the time of day
correct me if I'm wrong
Lemons call for lemonade
Once all the limes are gone

Swore to never turn around
Great another lapse
Hands down I know I'll get right
Once all the time comes back

Tried to solve it own my own
Logic cant suffice
Married to my miseries
Please don't throw the rice

Honeymooned in Retrospect
The sights seemed close to heart
The plane to go from where we came
Would never stop or start

Our children think were crazy love
I love them all the same
For when I start to trust you more
They bring me back the pain

We bought the Villa on the beach
Right on that dune of Sand
Our right eye's tell us it's not so
It still a part of our plan

If failures be my backbone
Then a chance is my support
One million miseries look the same
How will I ever sort

I cope, I can, I'll conquer
I'll hear, I hope you'll listen
For a righteous act differed
S' not to far in the distance

Hand down I must be madness
In the pocket it speaks the same
I'll never save you from those tracks ya know
Look- here come the train

A man who lived awhile ago
Told me he knew my name...
---------------------------

As I just pasted the last on I rewrote some stuff...

What do you think?

I think the second piece is the better of the two. Some of the meter seems off, but I like most of the imagery and the cleverness of it.

I would agree with that. The second one is better.

Eli,

Of the two poems I think the first has more focus to it, not as abstract as the second poem. However, the first poem does jump around a lot, does not flow as well as it could with a little more work. Have you considered writing it as a villanelle? You have repeated the theme very well throughout the poem, and with some work I think it could be a nice villanelle.

I've tried to write a villanelle, so far I can't grasp the form, can't piece things together in my mind. But I would suggest give it a try with #1, it might work for you.

BW

I prefer the first. It is riskier and more interesting for it. The abstraction gives it an air of mystery

Ghost factory, ran by Ghost, Using Ghost machine

The language of the automaton. I really dig the repetition of the phrase "Ghost machine" that peppers the piece.

I hope you don't mind if I play with the structure of S2. Imo, it reads better like this:

The smell of dreams
The taste of time
To build a spleen that has no purpose.

The bare eye cannot perceive "Percieve" sounds better than "see"to my ears.
the hue of hope inside their heart
like you in me You might want to reword or rethink this line.


"Fool built Ghost Machines"

Awesome. Adds a touch of attitude to the stanza it's attached to. This is a line I will remember.

My take on the theme is that it broadly refers to humanities relationship to technology. The spleen is organic (The pale white gears will turn to green) and, grown in a machine (a ghost machine is a machine waiting to be invested with life?), blurs the line between what is human and what is partially or potentially human. It almost sounds as if the machines in your poem want to smell, taste and dream. I picture the last stanza as referring to a human janitor with an engineering degree reflecting on the nature of the machinery he is cleaning.

Originally Posted by Edgewise

I prefer the first. It is riskier and more interesting for it. The abstraction gives it an air of mystery

Ghost factory, ran by Ghost, Using Ghost machine

The language of the automaton. I really dig the repetition of the phrase "Ghost machine" that peppers the piece.

I hope you don't mind if I play with the structure of S2. Imo, it reads better like this:

The smell of dreams
The taste of time
To build a spleen that has no purpose.

The bare eye cannot perceive "Percieve" sounds better than "see"to my ears.
the hue of hope inside their heart
like you in me You might want to reword or rethink this line.


"Fool built Ghost Machines"

Awesome. Adds a touch of attitude to the stanza it's attached to. This is a line I will remember.

My take on the theme is that it broadly refers to humanities relationship to technology. The spleen is organic (The pale white gears will turn to green) and, grown in a machine (a ghost machine is a machine waiting to be invested with life?), blurs the line between what is human and what is partially or potentially human. It almost sounds as if the machines in your poem want to smell, taste and dream. I picture the last stanza as referring to a human janitor with an engineering degree reflecting on the nature of the machinery he is cleaning.

You're good...

Spot on with the Janitor....he's talking to himself...

there is no way you should've known that

Originally Posted by Eli

You're good...

Spot on with the Janitor....he's talking to himself...

there is no way you should've known that =D>

Sarcasm.

Sometimes even the obvious needs airing out.

okay....i guess???

sarcasm???

You got the point of my poem...i think???


thanks.