Thread: wounded, worthless & weary

wounded, I have bent to taste
the crimson liquid of your grace
your wind-worn flesh, the thorny brow
which marked your kingship then and now

worthless, I have taken hold
the threads of mercy from your robe
your ruined hands, your gaping side
and pledged myself your sullied bride

weary, I have given up
the poison of my rightful cup
the curse of death, the shroud of sin
to die and, in You, live again

I'm glad you brought this one here, Jeff. Well written and just beautiful.

Originally Posted by iDrew

nicely written JP

one small thing - the ‘and’ in the final line feels clunky. Not sure if it’s the comma after, or if ‘but’ would sit better, or what.


xDrew

Thanks for reading it. I need either "and" or "but" to keep the syllable count solid. I prefer "and", but I'll see what everyone else has to say.

Originally Posted by Gumby

I'm glad you brought this one here, Jeff. Well written and just beautiful.

Thank you, Gumby.

JP,

nice tight verse, with easy flowing lines. As for the 'and,' maybe you could just drop that comma "and in You, live again."

I think the comma forces a pause that doesn't need to be there.

Anyway, nice poem.

BW

Very well written. The rhyme and flow is perfect. (except the "and" ) I know somehow that can be smoothed. You conveyed the title well and also the place of hope and warmth.

Love it, Jeff. As Sondra said, rhyme and flow are both perfect and the message is divine. I have to ask, why no caps or periods? Not sure if it would be better with or without, just curious. I like BW's suggestion of removing the comma after and, which smoothes it out for me, but you may not want to do that because it alters the emphasis a bit. Excellent effort, love, but I've come to expect nothing less.