Thread: Decapitated Cadaver- EDIT 1

EDIT 1


Decapitated cadaver
on a frigid morgue slab,
what exactly was it
that brought you to my lab?

Were you a cheating spouse
who paid a hefty price
or a rat fink caught
selling out to guys in Vice?

Was your noggin taken
by a murderer in heat
or did your dealer decide
your pimped out ride was sweet?

Did you shake a shark's fin
and then neglect to pay
or, heavily insured
did you get in wifey's way?

Found in a dumpster
dressed in Hefty's best
dropped on my doorstep
at the head M.E.'s request.

Incinerated fingertips
without a whorl to spare,
makes for morbid musings
as I ponder from my chair,
were you maimed post mortem
or while lucid and aware?

What a mystery you are,
my nameless, headless friend
but I'm a savvy sleuth
soon to know what caused your end.

I haven't touched you yet
but my query now begins
as I carve a Y incision
into your waxy skin…



autopsy's been suspended,
there is no C.O.D.,
as those who've never lived
simply can't be dead, you see.

My students found it funny
to reuse a spooky prop,
now we'll see just how amusing
they find careers in pushing mops.



Dedicated to Sebastian, who inspired this piece.


Needed some fun, hence this. I'm still working on it, there are bumps, any and all suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you, my lovelies.

Lol! Cute and morbid, not many can accomplish that. Loved that opening stanza. I put out a few suggestions, but please don't feel like you have to take them, you know my meter isn't always reliable.

Were you a cheating spouse
who paid a hefty price
or a rat fink caught
sneaking secrets to guys in Vice?
(selling out to guys in Vice?)

Was your noggin taken
by a serial murderer in heat (killer?)
or did your dealer decide
your pimped out ride was really neat?

Incinerated fingertips
with no whorls to spare
leaves me with morbid curiosity (makes for?)
as I study you from my chair,
were you mutilated post mortem
or while lucid and well aware?

Ooooh, Cindy, I love you, love you, love you. Your ear is more reliable than you seem to realize, hon. You hit on every trouble spot that annoyed me. I really should have held onto it longer before posting to play with it, but I needed a pick me up and the trite rhymes usually work real well for that. Stealing all of your suggestions, although murderer was initially killer but I tripped over it a couple of times so I added the extra syllable. Killer is better, but I still feel something's off with that line, one of the stresses are wrong. I don't know if it's the same for you, but when I read something too much, I go deaf, then the fun begins because the whole thing sounds off even when it isn't. That makes me crazy because I can't fix it if I'm not hearing correctly. Ugh. I must admit, though, it was nice not to bang my head against the wall and have someone else fix it for me, what a lazy thing I am. Thank you so much, love. The killer line is still irking me, I'll give myself a day or two and then see if I still feel that way and then I'll try to fix it. You're the biggest, bestest peach in the bushel.

Edit: In my glee at your suggestions, I forgot to mention the following. I'm glad you liked that first stanza. My daughter's boyfriend Sebastian uttered decapitated cadaver two nights ago, I don't know what they were talking about and I don't want to, and I seized on it like a lion on a downed antelope. It just sounded so freaking cool, I asked him if I could use it, he thought I was crazy, but readily agreed. I built the piece around those two words and that's why it's dedicated to him.

I know exactly what you mean, my ear goes da dum deaf after too many recitals.

Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone in that, Cindy. I find it so frustrating and the harder you try, the worse it gets. Some days my ear is on strike, and I find it's much better in the morning before everyone has aggravated me, but when it packs up and leaves mid-piece I want to cut it off. Then Van will have to trade names with me.

Lisa, I'm just developing an ear for rhyme so reading Cindy's study was good for me! It's seems it's always difficult to to embrace a favorite because once I do you come along and top it! Delightfully morbid! Like Cindy said you have some kind of special gift for this. I've not read the likes of your work anywhere. You have your signature style...

Did you shake a shark's fin
and then neglect to pay
or were you heavily insured
and get in wifey's way?

From what I hear, impeccable ryhme!

rat fink

LOL!!!! I haven't used that or thought of it since I was ten. Everything was "rat fink." Thanks for that!

I haven't touched you yet
but now the inquiry begins
as I carve a T incision
into your waxy skin…

The tension builds...and the ending is on spot! Great read! Laurie

Pinky, you astound me.

Love the C.S.I. feel to the piece... and your sense of macabre humor shining through it. Good stuff.

I thought I commented on this, Lisa. Even when you are light and laughing, you are scary. I loved it. It's fun and, as usual, cleverly written. Hope you are feeling better every day.

my best,
Sondra

Hmn... I'm new, Don't be offended. I just can't help jumping in. I was worried at the title... but haha, very funny. I'll give it my best, but my sense of rhythm isn't the same as yours. I'll just throw something out there and see what you all think.

Decapitated cadaver
on a frigid morgue slab, (plastic, metal)? To me, it needs another syllable
what exactly was it (Maybe add 'so' to the beginning??)
that brought you to my lab? (that has brought?)

Were you a cheating spouse (husband?)
who paid a hefty price (had to pay?)
or a rat fink caught (dirty rat fink?)
selling out to guys in Vice?

Was your noggin taken (Was perhaps?)
by a serial killer in heat
or did your dealer decide (dealer just decide)
your pimped out ride was really neat?

Did you shake a shark's fin (loan shark's)
and then neglect to pay
or were you heavily insured
and get in wifey's way? (and then get)

Found in a dumpster (alley dumpster?)
dressed in Hefty's best (add 'and?')
dropped on my doorstep (dropped upon)
at the head Coroner's request.

Incinerated fingertips
with no whorls to spare (unique whorls?)
makes for morbid curiosity
as I study you from my chair,
were you mutilated post mortem
or while lucid and well aware?

What a mystery you are,
my nameless, headless friend
but I'm a well equipped detective,
my answer's just around the bend.

I haven't touched you yet
but now the inquiry begins
as I carve a T incision
into your waxy skin…



autopsy's officially over,
there is no C.O.D.,
those who've never lived
can't be dead, you see.

My students found it funny
to recycle a Halloween prop,
we'll see how amusing they find (We'll see just how amusing)
their new careers in pushing mops. (They find careers in pushing mops)

Well... i know that was an awful lot of knit-picking, but it's what jumped out at my hyperactive sense of perfectionism. I do think it's really clever. Hope it helps you some.

Okay, I've edited with very special thanks to SilverNightPanther for calling me on it, Jeff for taking the time to dissect and wake me up, and to Cindy for her invaluable suggestions, many of which I used. Can I adopt you, Cindy?


Dear Laurie, Blushing here, thank you. That you think me different elates me, I've always thrived on being "different" and I'm so glad I'm able to drag that, kicking and screaming, of course, into my writing. I am truly honored by your words. Cindy has much to teach and helped me greatly with this edit, keep your eye or rather ear on her. Thrilled you enjoyed, love.



Dear Jeff, I'd love to blame it on narcotics, but I'm not taking any so I must plead stupidity. Pinky? Over my head, love. Big hug for astounding, smiling big time here. Another hug for CSI, exactly what I was going for, so happy you liked. And thank you again for the time you took with this, seems this student has gotten lazy with her lessons, Teach. I really should have refined this before I posted, big fat F for me.



Dear Sondra, Little better every day, love, appreciate your kind concern. Always uber pleased when you enjoy, you know your dark so well. Thank you for scary, you've made my year, I love being scary, and refuse to abandon it even when light and laughing. I smile and kids scurry while the leaves die on the trees. lol.



Dear SilverNightPanther, Welcome, and of course, I am not offended. I put a shout out for assistance and you obliged me. Your suggestions were all valid, but in the edit I tried to keep the count as low as possible. I'm a recovering word addict, you see, and I'm trying to learn to keep things brief. To me, adding words is the equivalent of a drunk taking that first drink believing that's where it will end. Your input was well appreciated and please feel free to offer it up any time. As I said, I should have held onto this one longer, usually I do, I don't know what possessed me to post it in such a state. I fully understand perfectionism, it's driven me quite mad. As for nitpicking, you did not over indulge, love, you were merely being honest. Happy you though it clever.

Many thanks all around, and if anyone has a sec, let me know if it's better.

All my best,
Lisa