Thread: Beyond the Mountains' Pass

1st edited draft poem, enjoy.
EDIT: 2nd edit

I know not yet, pass the mountains' pass
or the summers of that long forgot.

For with velvet they string,
beyond my reach, while they
hold hand in hand with grass a green at their feet.

rays cover them in sheets
as they go a holding in place,
while they face the homestead,
in lushes green,
and show the pass of that I have not yet took.

as they look at me,
they go a telling me of another summer's place;
beyond the field of green, and string of velvet,
and of which lies that beyond their bodies.

In summer's time with rays a light;
I look, I see, and I feel my breath give a sigh...
for the land of summer is out of reach.

For in this lushes green I lay
I still know not yet pass the mountains' pass
when summer's time comes around once in bloom.

EDIT: some word confusion that I forgot to fix :l

beary, this is a very pretty poem. Very visual and peaceful.. A longing feeling. The third and forth staza confuse me a little. i think I know what you mean but it is written strangely. To me, not connecting the thought. I gave a little sample of how your poem might look if you broke up the lines a little. just did a couple of verses. Again, for me, it gives more clarity and emphasis on how one might read it. I took out a word or two here and there. I hope you don't mind. I would never say it is better. My version bumps alot and could be smoother, and of course, this is strictly my opinion, bearycool.
If I'm not interpreting it the way you meant it, let me know. Tell me where how you mean for us to understand it. my best to you, apple

Original:

I know not yet past the mountains' pass
or the summers of that long forgot.

For with velvet they string beyond my reach, while they
hold hand in hand with grass a green at their feet.

rays cover them in sheets as they go a holding,
of the homestead they face, and show the pass
of that I not yet took.

as they look at me, they go a telling me of another summer's place,
beyond the field of green, and string of velvet,
and of which lies that beyond their bodies.

In summer's time with rays a light;
I look, I see, and I feel my breath give a sigh...
for the land of summer is out of reach

for I not know yet past the mountains' pass
when summer's time comes around once in bloom.



I know not yet,
past the mountains' pass
or the summers of that long forgot

With velvet
they string beyond my reach
while they hold hand in hand
a grass green at their feet

In summer's time, with rays alight
I see, I feel, and breathe a sigh.
for the land of summer
is out of reach

Originally Posted by apple

beary, this is a very pretty poem. Very visual and peaceful.. A longing feeling. The third and forth staza confuse me a little. i think I know what you mean but it is written strangely. To me, not connecting the thought. I gave a little sample of how your poem might look if you broke up the lines a little. just did a couple of verses. Again, for me, it gives more clarity and emphasis on how one might read it. I took out a word or two here and there. I hope you don't mind. I would never say it is better. My version bumps alot and could be smoother, and of course, this is strictly my opinion, bearycool.
If I'm not interpreting it the way you meant it, let me know. Tell me where how you mean for us to understand it. my best to you, apple

Original:

I know not yet past the mountains' pass
or the summers of that long forgot.

For with velvet they string beyond my reach, while they
hold hand in hand with grass a green at their feet.

rays cover them in sheets as they go a holding,
of the homestead they face, and show the pass
of that I not yet took.

as they look at me, they go a telling me of another summer's place,
beyond the field of green, and string of velvet,
and of which lies that beyond their bodies.

In summer's time with rays a light;
I look, I see, and I feel my breath give a sigh...
for the land of summer is out of reach

for I not know yet past the mountains' pass
when summer's time comes around once in bloom.



I know not yet,
past the mountains' pass
or the summers of that long forgot

With velvet
they string beyond my reach
while they hold hand in hand
a grass green at their feet

In summer's time, with rays alight
I see, I feel, and breathe a sigh.
for the land of summer
is out of reach

yeah thanks for pointing out the last two stanzas. I read them over a while ago and wanted to rephrase them. And with the better wording I have made a better verison on that part.

The "go a holding" part and other parts that have words that shouldn't be there are for making a accent. The accent is suppose to be sort of cowboyish of sorts, a rural accent. So I'm going to keep those but I will rephrase some things that do need to be rephrased.

EDIT: Here it is!
I know not yet, pass the mountains' pass
or the summers of that long forgot.

For with velvet they string,
beyond my reach, while they
hold hand in hand with grass a green at their feet.

rays cover them in sheets
as they go a holding in place,
while they face the homestead,
in lushes green,
and show the pass of that I have not yet took.

as they look at me,
they go a telling me of another summer's place;
beyond the field of green, and string of velvet,
and of which lies that beyond their bodies.

In summer's time with rays a light;
I look, I see, and I feel my breath give a sigh...
for the land of summer is out of reach.

For in this lushes green I lay
I still know not yet pass the mountains' pass
when summer's time comes around once in bloom.

Originally Posted by iDrew

Some quick examples as to why this doesn’t work for me:

An awful lot of end stops.

Inconsistent use of punctuation e.g. S3 should start with a capital as S2 ended with a full stop. Same applies to S4.

‘they go a telling me’ a-telling?

‘hold hand in hand with grass a green at their feet’ again, a-grass. Am I right in assuming we are talking about the mountains. The foot of the mountain - mountains’ feet? Not sure. We don’t say the feet of pages.

When writing with local accents and colloquialisms it’s best to ensure that the reader is aware of this because as it stands, to me, this just reads like it’s trying too hard to be ‘poetic’. I feel that you either have to use a stronger ‘accent’ or ensure that the reader knows this is narrated by a cowboy.

Soz honey.

xDrew

I forgot to punctuate those words, it was met for the second edit.

So there was nothing you liked about it, everything was awful. Because I'm kind of getting that feeling that this was completely awful...

You should take another look at Apple's suggestions. It's a really helpful post and even those stanzas, as she's written them, work as a poem. You have some good images here but you need to work on how you present them.

Ok I'm beginning a 3rd revision on this. Thank you all.