Thread: Homebound

Reposted after 5 years --- I forgot where this site was. Anyway, here is my Poem "Homebound" once again, I first posted it in my profile or something so it never made it a thread.

Homebound

Aunt Leona said “When that Spanish moss sway
in the dead-calm air like that it mean the Lord
callin’ someone home”. She rose from her
porch rocker and went to the kitchen.

I stayed on the porch with Gran-ma, held her hand,
watched for the moss to move. Tall weeds
tapped against the nailed-shut bedroom window,
so greasy with age, weather stained and cobwebbed.

“Thistles! Thistles!” Gran-ma’s raspy words were
whispers at first, then filled the dead-calm
of my own thoughts. Her mouth trembled
for more words to say; her watery eyes,

still clear and starlit, gazed across the years.
She drifted back just then, to the tilled rows of new fields
where her girl-self flew kites. No cobwebs out there.
She smiled and let out more twine.

Welcome BWOz and I do mean welcome. I felt elevated as i read this. It is beautiful. Thistles, Thistles those vivid thoughts inside, present for only her. And what strange words to say. I could feel her living the atmosphere and the freedom. I loved the whole poem, but the last two stanzas touched me with its beauty. Wonderful.

Sondra

A warm welcome back, BWOz. I heartily echo Sondra in every respect. Being able to read this piece was a gift, thank you. Your content is fabulous, I do, however, have a few technical suggestions. In S1, when should be capitalized, dead calm doesn't need a dash, technically, there should be a comma after like that, but it still reads nice to me without it. Okay, the following is just me, I'm weird with breaks. Ending L3 with her seems awkward to me, I think it would flow a bit better moved down to L4, again, probably just me.

In S2, granma doesn't need a dash nor does nailed shut, in S3, no dash in granma or dead calm, and I would move the were ending L1 down to L2, but again, that's just me. In S4 no dash in girl self.

This is very beautiful and your imagery is vivid and encompassing. Extremely well done, love, and I look forward to reading more of your work.

Best,
Lisa

Thank you Lisa and Sondra.

I do agree the When in S1 needs capitalilzed. However, the dashes are actually hyphens; dashes are longer and hyphens are used to join two words to be spoken as one, which is common in southern dialect. I've tried it both ways and for the voice and tone I am after (a southern Mississippi girl) the hyphens serve a good purpose. Yes, technically they are not necessary, but in poetry I think they are often useful.

For example: In southern English dialect there are many joined expressions like nailed-shut, girl-self... Something like "Get your girl-self over her now." or "That is a nailed-shut alibi."

Gran-ma probably could do without the hyphen, but it serves to replace a letter ('d) and make the word pronounced as if the 'n' is also silent (gramma). I also chose to capitalize Gran-ma as if it is a proper name, or in southern english a title, like Govenor, or Mr. Again, probably just preference but it seems to add to the tone of voice.

I do appreciate the serious critique -- and as I've said I did try it both ways but for poetic reasons (tone of voice, expression) I like the hyphens for colloquial effect.

Cheers.

BW

I stand corrected and apologize for being such a niggler. Your points are all valid and I agree with you completely. Now please post something else, I really did enjoy this.

Best,
Lisa

Thanks Lisa, and I really do mean I appreciate that you would look at the technical aspect, and I did capitalize When as you caught it. It is difficult to detect a poem's tone of voice unless you hear it read aloud, but there it is.

I will post some other pieces, been really out of sorts in my creativity for the past year, but have some old poems I'll share.

BW