Thread: A Mother's Longing

Winter is drawing near
seems swifter every year,
soon snow will be falling
as Jack Frost comes calling,
our alpine frontier.

My "babies" are away
wish they were home to stay
where I see each lovely face
by the lighted fireplace
each night and every day.

After a day on the slope
it gives me so much hope,
we will be together
regardless of the weather,
making it easier for me to cope
when my "babies" are grown and moved away.

You plucked some serious heartstrings with this one, Cindy. Snowy slope, fireplace and my kids gathered 'round, my idea of sheer bliss. You've developed quite the ear, milady, kudos. A few suggestions for S3. Your rhythm falters in L5, I had a really good suggestion earlier, but lost it in this medicated mind. And helps me better cope, would smooth out the bump, I think, check me, though, my ear is on strike again. I think you should break after cope and leave the final line on its own. That final line needs a bit of work. Grown is already implied by "babies" in quotation marks, so therefore, is unnecessary. Not sure if moved is necessary either. May I suggest something along these lines:

After a day on the slope
it gives me so much hope, (I'd remove this comma, the line break is sufficient for the pause, I think)
we will be together
regardless of the weather,
and helps me better cope...

whenever my "babies" are away.

Of course, you may hate this suggestion, if so, disregard it. I truly enjoyed this piece, love, thank you so much for sharing.

This touches all the right strings in a mother's heart, the yearning to have your family all together. I truly enjoyed this one, Cindy.

Thank you Lisa and Cindy. Your input always means so much to me.

Lisa, your suggestions are worthy of consideration. It does sound much better.

My rewrite:


A Mother's Longing

Winter is drawing near
seems swifter every year,
soon snow will be falling
as Jack Frost comes calling,
our alpine frontier.

My "babies" are away
wish they were home to stay
where I see each lovely face
by the lighted fireplace
each night and every day.

After a day on the slope
it gives me so much hope
we will be together
regardless of the weather,
and helps me better cope...

whenever my "babies" are away.

The longing to be enveloped in the warmth and love of your children comes through clearly, Nellie. A lovely poem.

Nellie:

Very nice imagery, a nice lament, even if a bit sentamental for my tast. However, it does hit some strong notes of longing as the title describes. Here are some of my suggestions that I think would tighten it up and give it more impact. A very educated writer years ago explained to me the use of "ing" words, those that end in "ing" tend to make the writing softer, passive. Now, in business writing (which I do a lot of) being passive is a big no-no. Not so much in poetry and other creative writing. But in this piece I would definitely suggest changing the softer "ing" parts to more direct, present tense forms. I think shorter syllables also helps the poem mover a little quicker.

Example:

Winter is drawing near (Winter draws near, and...)
seems swifter every year,
soon snow will be falling (soon the snow will fall)
as Jack Frost comes calling, (as Old Jack comes to call at)
our alpine frontier.

I think instead of using "Jack Frost" (very homey but cliche) you might be able to get away with using only the first name and let the reader figure out who "Jack" is. Or maybe say "Mr. Frost comes to call".

Very nice imagery though.

BW