Thread: The Bandage

The Bandage


As two men held my father’s head,
the other straddled across his chest
and dug his eye out with a spoon.
I wet myself and ran next door.

Mrs. Consuelo wasn’t home.

Father needed to cry, I think,
but when he did it burned too hard.
He never cried again.
Instead, he used me for tears.
His pinches hurt; iron words
cracked my senses.

I cried my father’s tears.

I wept for myself, only once, when Maria died.
A cockroach crawled down her throat.
Choked her life away.
I cried and cried just for me, and my baby sister Marie.

I got a chill reading that, right about "I cried my father's tears." It was very moving, but the final stanza really did not do it for me, it felt a little tacked on. I am certain that you can combine the two in a way that will work, but with it being only one stanza, it does not really add to the piece. The feeling of a passage of time would do well to connect them and solidify the initial portion of the poem concerning the speaker's father. Again, it was very moving, but the final stanza kind of kicked me out of the poem because I was having a hard time relating to the rest of it. Excellent job.



T

Thank you for your thoughts, Tenebris. This is the first version. I did add two more verses thinking that perhaps it needed more but then the poem became more about the father than the child, so I cut them out. I want the poem to express a bottom line, the actuality of the life she lived and that she was used to her lonely part in it, but she was able to recoginze that which belonged only to her. You may be right about needing some link, but I don't want it to be a story, I just want it to be an emotion or moment that you know involves a story. I will work on the idea a little further. I appreciate your input, and I'm glad it made you feel something as you read it.

my best, Sondra

I love you, Sondra, you write lurid just as I do. This packs a serious gut punch. I, personally, like it as is and the first line of the final stanza was a sufficient link for me. Creating such horror with so few words is no small feat, kudos. I enjoyed this immensely, or perhaps this mortified me immensely would be a more suitable compliment. Fine work.

Best,
Lisa

Glad I shivered your timbers. We are such nice ladies, where does it all come from? I think "nice" will be my next poem.

Thanks Lisa.

yours in ugliness,
Sondra

Those are pretty strong images in the third and last stanza. I wasn't sure if they were metaphorical or depicting events --real or fictional. I've actually heard of a child chocking on a cockroach, though, which is incredibly disturbing --an image that's really is hard to shake. Anyway, the poem has quite a bit of impact. And I agree that the second stanza is quite touching. Well, done.

Thank you very much Joseph. The poem was fictional. I too, have heard of someone choking on a cockroach. What a horrible image. Thank you for reading and commenting.

Sondra

This is very good. It kept me interested all the way to the end. I like the way it moved along, its tone and depth. The part that says, “I cried my father’s tears,” really chocked me up…there is a lot of emotion in this poem. This poem is wonderful and extremely well written: good work…!

It's short. You said in only a few lines what takes 10 pages in one of my short stories. You gave so many details without telling what was happening. Very visceral. Anyway, I think that's about all the smoke I can fit in your...well, you. So great job and you have a new fan.

The first stanza just left me speechless, the rest left me feeling desolate for this child. I'll be coming back to this one many times, Sondra.