Thread: Stolen Time

Sitting on a train that never stops,
cradled in a warm seat that rocks;
I thought of you in this stolen time,
and let my heart grow,
full with rosy glow.

Places and lives sweep past the window:
things I never have to touch.
I wish I could take this train
through my own life, and still feel as such.

To feel little kisses brush me like
branches on a windowpane,
and lovers fall from sight,
like sliding drops of rain.

But Love's bells knell to me once again,
with their mingled promise of Heaven and Hell.
I descend upon the concrete platform of everyday,
I shake with thoughts of what's to come,
and long for a little more time.

I am a fan of rhyming, but I think that I am not a fan of it in this piece. This combined with the kind of sing-song rhythm you have going is really tripping me up. The metaphor has a great deal of potential and I enjoy that concept. It seems as though it is getting eaten up by the poem itself. There is too much going on that does not necessarily add to the metaphor. I kind of want to see some paeons when you are talking about the train, but that would be difficult to bring in I am certain. I particularly enjoy the third stanza, as the rhyme and rhythm are handled beautifully here, especially in the final line.



T

thank you, this came spontaneously and I too had major doubts about the rhyme scene. Your paeon suggestion was really very helpful, I will try my best!