Thread: The Man That Wanted Me

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It feels more like prose as it is, Nick. The first six lines are great as they are, I wouldn't change those. but I think that there is a lot that could be cut to leave the strong essence of the story intact. It does make me ask who and why and even where, so that's good. Of course stanza's always help move it along, without overwhelming the reader, but I know you know that already.

Despite its prosaic quality, I really enjoyed this, Nick. I agree with Cindy, it needs a trim, and stanzas would be beneficial. The not knowing is great, although I have my theories, and it's what lies hidden beneath that makes the piece. Only two things disturbed me, and probably only me. The use of unkempt to me indicates a grave that is old and untended, so I must ask, were you sticking him in another's grave? Somehow, I doubt a funeral director was involved in this at all. And "so I took his words for him" I think from him would work better, unless I'm missing something. This has a distinct creepiness about it, which everyone knows I love, and it held my attention to the last period. With a trim, you got yourself a really great piece here.

Best,
Lisa

This reminds me of The Cremation of Sam Mcgee by Robert W. Service, but told without the upbeat rhythm that he employs. I personally would work towards making it more poetic and less prosaic. It seems as though you wrote a story and merely chomped the sentences down to fit as they are now. As I see it, you have two possible ways to go, take the free verse route and cut out anything and everything you don't need or create stanzas and potentially lengthen it by employing a meter. The content is very good, but does lack a feeling of poetry, which I think would make it far more endearing. So, I guess what I am saying, is that I agree with Gumby and Lisa .



T