Thread: Revelations

Their eyes swallow the light,
these women I met
at the top of a mountain.

Her friend sings
in dizzying apocopes, but
the blonde rolls a joint
from the hotel’s bible.

She insists on using Revelations.

Her laughter swells
in thin, transparent sheets.

I have the distinct feeling
that the world is forgetting us,
that we’re forgetting ourselves.

We’re coughing blue smoke
into falling constellations,
the broken bits of snow.

Ok, I nearly finished an entire review, telling you that the piece is incomplete, but it isn't. It is actually the opposite. I thought I wanted more, but I really want less. I think the piece is powerful in both its message and its imagery, and I think it is far more influential by not making use of the fifth stanza, or at least not in its present form. Either eliminating it completely or hinting at your intent through imagery rather than out and out telling the reader what mankind has forgotten drive the piece that much harder home. In each stanza you visit the loss with a pleasant subtlety until the fifth, in which it just kind of jumps out. Other than this, I very much enjoy the excellent structure and vocabulary of the work.



T

spot on criticism.

thanks again.

I have to agree with T. here. This is a much better read in my opinion, without the fifth S. Or, just keep the first line in S-5, and join it with the final S. I enjoyed this one a lot, Loki. Very original thinking and expression here.

Hey Loki!!! Stop following me and my friends around!!!

But seriously--I LOVE this poem. The first time I read it--yesterday I think--I was like, "Whoa!" It made me sort of uncomfortable.

But when you're talking about poetry, "uncomfortable" = GOOD.

Hey Loki, I pray you and your Dad are faring well. I love showing up after Mr. T, with whom I agree regarding stanza 5. Not much left to say that hasn't been said already. A very original well wrought piece. Kudos.

Best,
Lisa

This really set off my imagination and compelled me to conjure up and consider a bigger story. It's great when that happens. Very nice imagery, especially the last stanza. I could feel this one. Well done.