Thread: The Solider's Friend 2nd Draft

If you've saw I had showed a unedited version of the poem, "The Solider's Friend." That was my mistake on that because I met to show the 2nd, and edited, draft of the poem. Enjoy.

Everyday they come for awhile and say friend.
Holding a wave, and showing a smile,
then leaving once again.

The sun has taken them whole,
to be delivered to those lands long away.
As they take the first step of their perilous journey,
at the crossroad's right,
they leave me forlorn in a land long forgot.


That perilous way they go, with a step and a shake,
they jump into the fray of well gone travels
to and fro, and up the ways long forlorn.

As they move away from the land
we all met; I, myself, move away ever so further.

My path is opposite to theirs,
and so I look back to steal a glance of it all.
Of that sun beaten path of the way that they went,
and that they strive through and through.

The rough road of the solider, they stand and go.
And I, I took the lone scribe's road
so that I may write their stories with sweet amore.
The ones that say friend and fight for me, I shall write for them.

I want to comment, but I just can't do it right now. However, I'd like to ask if English is the primary language that you speak?

apple

I love the sentiment behind this one, and that last line is very touching, bearycool.

Originally Posted by apple

I want to comment, but I just can't do it right now. However, I'd like to ask if English is the primary language that you speak?

apple

Yes it's my primary language, Spanish being my second. Is there something wrong with how wording is put in some areas? Cause I know I was having trouble with making a line rhyme fluently with everything else, while still wording everything correctly.

Originally Posted by bearycool

Yes it's my primary language, Spanish being my second. Is there something wrong with how wording is put in some areas? Cause I know I was having trouble with making a line rhyme fluently with everything else, while still wording everything correctly.

What rhyme?

Bearycool, i asked because you have a very strange way of expressing within your poem. I think I understand what you are writing about. I like it and as Gumby said the sentiment is there. I like the idea of holding a wave in their hand. It's an interesting visual. I was wondering at first, if you actually meant holding a flag. I had a hard time following the rest of the poem,(it had a story, but not clarity) You used the word WAY, WAYS and AWAY too much. Not good. I liked the idea of the last line, that the soldier was a friend and you will write his story for him. Just keep reading poetry. Keep writing and make sure you read it back to yourself. Out loud would be a good thing, because it helps you with the flow and rythmn of the poem, also with the sound of the rhyme. You mentioned rhyme. I see hear or hear much rhyme.

I encourage you to keep on writing.

apple

Originally Posted by apple

Bearycool, i asked because you have a very strange way of expressing within your poem. I think I understand what you are writing about. I like it and as Gumby said the sentiment is there. I like the idea of holding a wave in their hand. It's an interesting visual. I was wondering at first, if you actually meant holding a flag. I had a hard time following the rest of the poem,(it had a story, but not clarity) You used the word WAY, WAYS and AWAY too much. Not good. I liked the idea of the last line, that the soldier was a friend and you will write his story for him. Just keep reading poetry. Keep writing and make sure you read it back to yourself. Out loud would be a good thing, because it helps you with the flow and rythmn of the poem, also with the sound of the rhyme. You mentioned rhyme. I see hear or hear much rhyme.

I encourage you to keep on writing.

apple

thank you for the critique Apple. After re-reading a little I see some parts that are not in sync, linearly, with the story. And I'll try to add different words to replace the words way and away with a different word or a synonym of those words. I might edited the stanza a little so the clarity can be better.

Again thank you for the positive and constructive negative feedback of the poem. It should help with the next editing process for this poem.

Also tank you Gumby for your feedback also.