Thread: Sadistic Goings-on in the Dead of Night-( EDIT 1 )

The sandman
can’t be coaxed by desire
nor does he care a whit
you’re in need of grains.
The thrifty miser,
cheap with his wares,
is unaffected
by the ceaseless flip
of neon green numbers
graciously provided
by the folks at Sony
to remind you
time’s a wastin’.
One, two, three, four,
perhaps your back
would prefer the floor.

Pillows and blanket
slide across sheets adorned
with napping puppies
and are arranged
into a less than comfy nest
on an old oriental,
its pattern seeming
a series of Zs
to blurry sight
seeking somnolent solace.
Curled in a ball,
pleas to the dream weaver
go unheeded
as he leans against the jamb
grinning,
dribbling sand
from hand to hand,
as Mr. Mouse
haughtily squeaks at you
with quivering whiskers
defying the detour
of your body
in his byway.
Five, six, seven, eight,
sweet sleep
is dodging another date.

You climb back up
to nestle with pups,
praying you’ll learn a new trick.
Grain giver giggles and gyrates
to your disgruntled grunts
diligent not to drop
a drop of drowsy
as you toss and turn
and your eyelids burn
while Mr. Mouse mocks you
zooming to and fro
gnawing on woodwork
when not on the go
and the moments march by
in that ghastly green glow

until all grow weary
of their nightly game
and the man with sand
delivers a dainty dusting
into bloodshot eyes.

Nine, ten, eleven, twelve
minutes of slumber in which you eagerly delve.
Then the dreaded predestined flip
incites a scream from Sony
and dawn attacks to begin the battle
of another daylong shuffle by a zonked out zombie
in the land of sleep deprived dead.

I can't think of anything really constructive to say at the moment, and anyway I'm supposed to be working right now. However, I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed reading this. There are some really unique phrases here that describe something that everyone is familiar with--sleeplessness--in an original way, and the rhythm is very suggestive of that cyclic hell we often go through when trying to fall asleep. Very nice.

Lisa, you bring home something universal. Who has not had nights like these. I, for one, have been having them the past week. Torturous! And you get that across extreemely well. As usual you're ability to create "dark" and keep me captivated, waiting to see what the next stanza will bring, has not faded.

In the first stanza, (and I can't believe "I" am commenting on punctuation) you'll need to decide which way you want to go. I think it was just a matter of you missing an apostrophe. I like the second take.

nor does he care a whit
if you’re in need of grains.

nor does he care a whit,
you’re in need of grains.

Wonderful alliterations!

sight seeking somnolent solace..

Grain giver giggles and gyrates
to your disgruntled grunts...

diligent not to drop a drop of drowsy... This being my favorite

Now, I hope you don't mind my taking the liberty of breaking up your first stanza to create what I think would "beat" better. You might want to run down the rest of the poem for similiar tweeking. This only about what I hear.

The sandman
can’t be coaxed by desire
nor does he care a whit
you’re in need of grains.
The thrifty miser,
cheap with his wares,
is unaffected by
the ceaseless flip
of neon green numbers
graciously provided
by the folks at Sony
to remind you
time’s a wastin’.
One, two, three, four,
perhaps your back would prefer the floor.

Thanks for another great one!

Lisa,

this is a very nice piece of work; these are the kind of pictures I love to paint! On the first reading I was unnerved, second unsure and third completely helpless. I absolutely loved the line

" pleas to the dream weaver
go unheeded
as he leans against the jamb
grinning,
dribbling sand from hand to hand,"

God this guy is a tyrant.... a sadist! He's playing with you. He'll make you pay tomorrow. But what if he' just a reflection of our own weakness? And we still keep turning over the hourglass.

once again nice work

Ralph.

This one is really cool.

It's free form with rhythm that doesn't quit...real talent there.

The sprinkling of rhymes in the right places are beautiful.

I love this one.

I can't add anything here, but to say I really enjoyed this one Lisa. This sadistic joker frequents my door jambs on a regular basis, so I know exactly what you mean here, unfortunately. And I see I am not the only one, seems this guy is very busy. Great work!

I have had this experience a great deal over the past week or two, and it is a battle that I have not fought in a long time, It is usually the reverse, wherein I want to stay awake and cannot. However, the imagery and fantastic use of alliteration has effectively recreated those horrible nights so vividly, that I must say that I do not like you very much at the moment. Laurie provided suggestions that I cannot help but agree with, and would encourage you to apply throughout the piece.

A few suggestions on my part...

The short lines should be used throughout the beginning, because we all know that when you cannot sleep, then you are tossing and turning and cannot stop moving. Short lines with short words cause the reader to read faster and the combined alliterative nature of this poem makes the reader feel all the more "buzzed." Conversely, longer lines and longer words slow the reader down, which might work very well in a couple of places. The first would be any time you are counting the clock. You obviously cannot make "one, two , three, four" much longer, but I think a little creativity might spawn something interesting. The other area would be right at the end, where the speaker is forced to face the rest of the day as the "zombie." Lengthening these lines and increasing the "z" "d" " k" and "t" sounds would do a few things. "Z" is obviously the idea of sleep, but the combined "d" "t" "k" sound is like that of Tick Tock (which would actually work well throughout the poem) and present the connotative qualities of a clock.

The last thing...I like the word "zeitgeber."



T

Guys, I've rearranged the line breaks, does this work better or should I try again. I have some doctor stuff to take care of, will be back a little later to reply fully to everyone. If you have a sec please let me know, thanks my lovelies.

the 'folks at sony' line is a charmer.

i don't have much in way of constructive criticism. way outside my wheelhouse. sorry.

Lisa,

I didn't read the first one, but this rearrangement reads well for me. I enjoyed and have nothing else to add.

Cindy

Dear Scarlett, Everything has been so done to death, that the word original is one of the best compliments any of us can receive, at least in my opinion. That said, I thank you profusely. You picked up on the initial breaks being cyclic, but I've since changed them as it seems general consensus is choppy is best. This version is closest to the first draft. Would love your opinion as to whether it works better this way, or the original way. So happy you enjoyed.



Dear Laurie, In S1 I think you meant comma or I could use that before you're, where are the grammarians when you need them? I've left it be for the time being as I am unsure if I need to change it or not. Time for a bit of Googling to find out, unless someone is nice enough to give me the answer. hint, hint. Happy you liked the alliterations, that one is also my favorite, thought maybe I went overboard again. Swapped the breaks back, as per the suggestions of you and T, this was how it looked initially, but it seem so damn long I thought it would be offputting to some readers. Glad you liked, love.



Dear Ralph, Can't thank you enough for your generous words, hon. Particularly like those lines myself. I am so glad you mentioned "what if". We all know the sandman doesn't exist, it's our own minds that keep us awake, I just used an imaginary character to pin it all on because it's a lot more fun to visualize a cranky little monster toying with us than a bunch of misfiring nerves in a brain. Elated you enjoyed, love.


Dear Stonefly, I am so very honored by your words and am thrilled you enjoyed. You made my month with your reply. Thank you ever so much.



Dear Cindy, He first paid me a visit at the age of 17, and then took up permanent residence. Funny, it took getting sick for him to pack his bags and leave and he rarely bothers me anymore. Nothing worse than being unable to fall asleep or falling asleep for twenty minutes then being wide awake again, especially to a clock watcher like me. Elated you could relate and that you enjoyed.


Dear Tenebris, Dislike me all you like, I'll take dislike over feeling nothing any day, this stuff is supposed to evoke something, isn't it? Who cares if it's like or dislike, it's something and that's always better than nothing. Sorry to take you to a bad place, though. Happy you liked the alliteration and imagery. I've rearranged the entire piece, initially this was how it looked, if you should read this, let me know if you think it's improved. As for your other wonderful suggestions, you're giving me too much credit, I am not proficient enough to pull them off. But, since I will be having a good deal of time on my hands in the near future, I intend to take a stab at it, I be a fool not to at least try. Love that word, by the way, even though I had to look it up, actually contemplating incorporating it. Thanks so much for your valued input.


Dear Loki, Thanks, I like that line myself. I've read your work, and I don't think there is much that is out of your wheelhouse, love. Appreciate the read, hon.


Dear Cindy, I'm glad this version read well for you, I hope it does the same for everyone else. Super pleased you enjoyed, love, thank you.


Thanks to all for sharing your precious time with me.

All my best,
Lisa