Thread: Forgiveness

Forgiveness

Lady, I beg you grant me forgiveness;
I fear that I have done you a great harm.
Beguiled at my weakest by Morpheus,
I was taken in by his midnight charm.

Alas! For I had dreamt that you loved me,
And I pray you do not hold me to blame;
For all that I had dared aspire to see,
Were your gentle lips tasting of my name.

Lady I hold you in a great esteem,
So, I offered my admission in this;
For my irrationally hopeful dream,
Of some forlorn and impossible bliss.

I shall ne’er hate you for what you may do,
Should your drawn water fly, and a stag’s horns I grew.






T

Note: I found this poem down at the bottom of the page at 0. Really, what a shame. Kind of an unspoken policy: Respond to other's work and they will most likely respond to yours. A group effort of give and take. Laurie

T - A butter -bitter-sweet read. Moving along so smoothly. Your meter and ryhme impeccable to these ears.

Beguiled at my weakest by Morpheus,
I was taken in by his midnight charm.

The Greek Morpheus can take on any human form in dreams but is known for semblance of a winged dragon. And my guess is this is where you were going. I would say flesh him out just enough so the reader who might be unfamiliar with him will have an idea as to who he is, what he represents.

To incorporate a mythological figure, soley, I think makes the poem a little top heavy. You might want to weave in a bit more of the mythological without turning this in a mythological "piece". I love midnight charm

Alas! For I had dreamt that you loved me,
And I pray you do not hold me to blame;
For all that I had dared aspire to see,
Were your gentle lips tasting of my name

Just purely beautiful! At first I though "of" as being unnessesary but see how it works tastefully and that it fits in with meter.

I shall ne’er hate you for what you may do,
Should your drawn water fly, and a stag’s horns I grew.

Fantastic imagery for tender ending.

A wonderful piece, thouroughly enjoyed! Laurie

I very greatly appreciate the review, as for this poem this is the most helpful advice that I have received thus far (having had others look at the piece in the past. The main purpose of Morpheus in this is actually to invoke the idea of sleep and dream, as he is the Greek God of Dreams. Which is to say, that the speaker of the poem merely fell asleep and dreamt that the Lady said his name. I will have to look over the poem to see if I can expand upon his purpose and appearance within the piece. Much of this concept is from Lord Byrons "To M.S.G." Which can be found here:

Lord Byron's poem: To M.S.G. [second poem]

And this may be a great deal to ask of the reader to be familiar with, I have no doubt. Furthermore, to clarify the Alexandrine at the end, I can only give another link so I don't rewrite the entire myth of Diana and Anteon:

The Classics Pages - Diana and Actaeon

I hope that this information is helpful in fully grasping the intent behind the poem. And again, I am aware that this is a great deal to ask of the reader, but it is what I look for in poetry: a riddle and deeper meaning to the face which allows the reader to come back to the poem and discover something new from additional readings. Again thank you for the review, I do appreciate it.



T

P.S. This is only the second poem I have posted, and I responded to around 20 before I posted the first. I doubt if I will put another up until I feel I have responded to "enough."

I am so glad you added those links Tenebris. They really enriched my enjoyment of this poem. Beautifully written and you succeeded in capturing that 'feel' and spirit of Lord Byron's poem.
Like Laurie, I initially stumbled over the 'of' in the second stanza, but the difference in meaning when removed changes it altogether. Very nice!

Right now, this reads like a period piece. Let me expound:

First, "n'er" is antiquated. No one uses it anymore and when it was in vogue, it was used as a cheat to keep the meter regular. It doesn't serve that purpose in this poem. This leads me to my next criticism: the meter should be smoothed. Reading it out loud, you will realize that there is the occasional extra foot. There's nothing wrong with an added foot or irregular meter, as long as it sounds good. This sounds like you messed up. Finally, some of the language is stilted. "and a stag's horns I grew" is an example of this. People don't structure their syntax like that anymore. More naturally, it would read "I grew a stag's horn."

I know most of this is a style thing, and hence personal taste, but it does do a disservice to your writing because it causes people to focus on how you are saying it rather than what you are saying. I notice from your other comments that you have read a lot of classic, Romantic, and Victorian poetry. That's very good. Your critiques are insightful, and it seems like you know what you are doing, but there is a way to use what the Victorians did without appearing reactionary. There are poets writing today who have done this. I can point them out to you, if you'd like.

Thank you, Gumby, I will have to remember to be more proactive about such things in the future, but when additional reading is required, it generally tends to turn people off of the poem. The "feel" of Byron was what I was really after. Ah, Victorian Propriety, in which saying "I love you" takes twenty minutes.



MS-Actually, nearly all of the language is antiquated to some degree, and it very much is both a style and flavor that I prefer. I probably could have written it in a more current manner, but I wanted to preserve the essence and genteel of Byron more than to cater to modernity. I find the "how" to be nearly as important as the "what," as this carries connotation in and of itself. In the desire to appear progressive, people often forget to look back.

I agree that the meter could be smoothed in several places, and if you have suggestions, I would appreciate your input. The only place of which I am aware there is an extra foot, however, is the final line in which I make use of an Alexandrine. Thank you for the time and consideration you spent in reading the piece, I do appreciate it.






T

I don't know why I am attempting to play hardball with the big boys when I can barely maintain my position on the farm team, it's obvious you both know what you are doing, I am merely here to offer my observations in the hopes they will be helpful. It is no secret that I am just learning proper meter, so grain of salt here, please. There are a few bumps, but I don't think it's a matter of an extra foot, the number of feet is consistent, save for the final line which was intentional. I think it's more likely a deviation in stress pattern, which would mean a switch in the type of foot, yes? Then there's the tendency to pronounce two syllable words as three such as beguiled and aspire which would also throw things off a bit. I will tell you where I'm stumbling, but keep in mind, the kinks may exist only in my mind due to mispronunciation or plain old insanity. S1, L2 seems to have too many syllables, although that is not the case. I'm not sure, T, if you are willing to deviate from your ten across the board, but removing either that or a from that line seems to fix it. In S2, it reads better to me, and I am only one person, without the that(s) in L1 and L3 and without I in L2, but again removing those words ruins your constant 10. The of in the final line is necessary to maintain the proper meaning, but perhaps something else can be done as that line seems a bit clunky. In S3, I'm not too crazy about the a in front of great either and something seems a bit off in L3, can't put my finger on it though. Now there's a good chance this is complete garbage, I am concerning myself with sound not form, and I'm messing with your choice of language by removing those words and may be dragging you into modernity against your will. Feel free to ignore my entire tirade.

As to Morpheus, I got that immediately and see no reason to expand, but again, I am but one person. As to the old school language and word inversion corrupting syntax, I've said it before and I'll say it again, I enjoy such things when they're done properly as they are here. I enjoyed the piece immensely, by the way, I hope she soaks him. Hope this helps, Tenebris, it took a lot of courage for me to offer my two cents here.

Best,
Lisa

Edit: I'm baaack, I'm like Herpes, ya just can't get rid of me. As to your participation on the board, I only wish everyone were as courteous as you. You have written a great deal of valuable replies to others, far more than most, so if you have something else you'd like to post, please do not hesitate to do so. Waiting with bated breath here...

And you claim you know nothing about meter, Lisa? One's ear is a better tool than one's head in such cases, and you are indeed correct. I am largely too close to the poem to want to change it, but you have put forward several instances which I really cannot ignore. I paid little heed to the feet that I used when writing this and will have to give it a good rewrite to even out the meter. Thank you for your insight, and you are free to play on my team if I can play on yours .



T

My dear Tenebris, if surprise were gold, I'd be filthy rich right about now. My ear is a traitor, unreliable as hell, and tends to go completely deaf at the most inopportune times. I'm glad I made some kind of sense, I really don't know meter well at all, I'm like a first grader. I must thank you, in scanning your piece, I furthered my education. I'll gladly have you on my team, but only if you'll agree to wear black. It's a prerequisite for me, for I am, alas, in perpetual mourning for my lost innocence. Elated if I helped even a teeny tiny bit.

Best,
Lisa