Thread: The Golden Prize

A prisoner is kept within my soul,
bound fast by chains of stark reality,
behind a mortal frame where cold bars hold
the tortured half of my duality.

Held captive by his gaoler deep inside
Ambition's stifled spirit longs to flee,
to realise what wealth his dreams provide,
escape the limits of this other me.

Thus an inner struggle daily rages,
the hearts desire at odds with labours spoils.
Measuring success by more than wages,
a higher purpose for the man who toils;
and so cut loose these mundane worldly ties,
Ambition's freedom is the golden prize.

Been peeking into my head, haven't you, Ralph. Love this. I'd break it into stanzas, but that's just me. Please lose the do before hold in L3, it's too archaic for the rest of the language in the piece. I believe, but am not 100%, that the apostrophes in both Ambitions (capitalized to show importance) belong before the s, and both hearts and labors in L10 need apostrophes. There may be a kink or two in the meter, can't really tell, my unreliable ear is deaf this morning, and I didn't find the rhymes forced. Well done.

Best,
Lisa

Hi Lisa,

the suggestion you kindly made, "behind a mortal frame where flesh bars hold" , is a good one. It keeps the rhythm of the piece nicely, unfortunately it doesn't quite ring true with the original sense I intended. Maybe it's just me but the word suggests connotations of dank, creeping. I'm sorry but it just doesn't sit very well with me. I've had a very busy couple of days so I've not managed to have another look yet. Let me see if I can come up with something we both think gives the line some polish.

Once again thank you very much.

You take care, our best wishes are with you,

Regards

Ralph.

Hi Lisa,

had another look at the poem, I think the change is more in keeping with my original intention. Hopefully you like it. Many thanks for you're input.

All the very best wishes

Ralph.

Very nice, Woody. Lisa is spot on about the stanza's though, I think they help the reader to absorb what's being said, a pause to let it sink in more fully. Loved the sentiment here.

Hi Cindy,

not sure if the breaks I've used are technically correct and in keeping with the sonnet form. Its seems to have a natural 4-4-6 pattern. Please advise.

kind regards

Ralph.