Thread: Bluebird

Bluebird, what's in that incessant chirp
That licks my ear in rising crescendos
Of a frenetic pace?

Dizzying is your mind which through
Dull eyed, doll eyed, dove eyed, beauty
Divulges your deepest dreads and most
Delightful dreams.

Will you come closer than that budding
Branch on the break of bloom to the
Corner of my porch where I sit in idle
Excitement trying to make sense of that
Stream of arrow that pierces the air in
Hushed tweets?

Your beauty speaks more of your soul
Than those calls you drawl in gibberish
From that tree so tall, which has always
Stood on my plot of land but had never
Seemed as stunning than with you
Nestled in among its shoots and boughs

Are you afraid to come closer for fear of
My outstretched palm or some scheming scheme
on the part of me, who in my rapture may be
compelled to ensnare your sun soul hair,
and drag you back to my lair

That is falsity and nonsense brought on
By mindless ramblings and fitful feeling
That wheel me in circles of mindless mania
Maniacal manifestations that could all be
Remedied if you'd only fly from that limb
To my own which is outstretched and
Offering you a home forever and long
There after so I can have days filled with
Your melodious laughter, which even from
Afar guarantees momentary bliss in a
World of shit

So do you wish to come closer and see there's no
Difference in me from that tree except I can love
And it cannot?

So fly then from that oak
To the palm of my work worn hand
A warmer home it is for you,
better than that oak dotted land

I truly enjoyed this, Hoot, love the message. Unfortunately, I am crunched for time, so I can't be explicit as I'd like. There are many very beautiful lines in this as swell as some lovely alliterations, but, there are also some nits. It's a bit longish and some of the details are a bit redundant. I'd be more specific, if I had more time, but read through and remove whatever is unnecessary. The caps every line are distracting. You use commas and questions marks but no periods, usually the rule is all or nothing. In S4, "nestled in among" is improper, it's either nestled in or nestled among, I'd go with among. The breaks in S3 need tweaking, they need to be adjusted for a smoother flow. In L2, move to the down to the next line, in L3 move in idle down to the next line, In L4 move of that down to the next line and in L5 move in down. You painted a vivid picture in my mind, and I'm a big bird lover, only things I'm not allergic to. I simply adore the last three stanzas. Nicely done, love.

Best,
Lisa