Thread: Mated Souls [a poem about love]

Mated Souls
I feel a madness after me,
carnivorous fear that will relent at nothing, but I'll tell you;
I have found something.
Something that prevents it from penetrating,
my only method of keeping it from aggravating,
the only piece of sanity that's keeping me alive.
If these walls could talk, they would tell you I have tried.
I have put forth the effort to smell the scent of your skin,
like a sweet merge of safety and the places you have been.
I will tell you where I have been,
finding my serenity in that seraphic skin you own;
listening to your voice as it chills me to the bone.
Hanging on every word as they roll off of your tongue,
fighting for every breath, because you are my iron lung.
Our souls are one tonight,
we are soul mates and our souls have already mated, my love;
I know you feel it too.
You don't have to take me in your arms,
rape my body with your timely charms,
find a way inside my head,
or see the ways that I have bled;
for me to know that this is nothing new.
I,
am in love with you.


__________________________________________________ _____________

I feel the need to note that this poem is one of the most important ones that I have ever written. As a writer, I'm sure you can all sympathize with the fact that we use our words to convey how we feel. This piece was written to my boyfriend, who has been helping me fight my anxiety disorder for the past 2 years; without ever once giving up on me. During the darkest times, he was the light that helped me keep going; and without him I fear that I may not have made it through those times. I cannot begin to explain the quality of my life at the beginning of this journey, but with his help I have reclaimed my life... and will be eternally in debt to him.

Hey Meghan, where you been hiding? Very personal piece, love, and well wrought, I might add. It is a bit wordy, some of the unnecessary words could be removed without hampering your expression, but due to the personal nature, don't touch a word. It may benefit from being broken into stanzas, but that's just my personal preference. Two suggestions: "chills me to the bone" is a bit harsh in this instance. I know you mean the good kind of chill, but that expression lends itself to things distasteful, not befitting in this case. Definitely retain chills, but find a different way to say it so that's it's not attached to the nasty aspect. Same goes for "rape", too harsh a word, perhaps seduce would fit better. Just my suggestions, no need to heed them. I'm elated you've found someone so caring. I have big issues with anxiety myself, and I know how hard it can get, especially when you battle alone. Hang onto to this one, love, he's a keeper, and definitely better than any chemical they make you ingest.

Best,
Lisa

The trouble with pure emotion, like this, is that it is so hard to find the words to express it, and yet, you have done a remarkable job in doing so. However, I must agree with Lisa on all counts, especially in regards to wordiness. You have some exceptionally strong images throughout the piece, but they become watered down by all of the fluff between them. I also throught that "chills" and "rape" should be changed. It is not necessarily because of their power, because I see you trying to show just how powerful his impact was, but the negativity seems overriding. "Strikes," I think would fit in easily instead of "chills" and "seduce," as Lisa said, is a good choice. Again the negative connotation will affect the reader's viewpoint of what you are trying to express, and if not for your explanation, I may have interpreted this piece very differently.



T

Hmm, I see what you both mean by that. I was trying to express the horrific and dark feelings that I have because of my disorder, however didn't notice that they seeped into the description of my love for him.

Lisa - I have been working non stop! Trying to find time to pop in here and look at people's work and post some of my own in between, but they're scheduling me 6 days in a row and it's awful!

I can only agree with what has already been said here, those words took me to a negative place and I too would have seen a different meaning behind them, if not for your explanation at the end. So glad you've found someone to love, who obviously loves you back.

I'm not going to critique it by telling you it should be this way or that because raw works when you're dealing with raw emotion. If it were all neat and slippery, I wouldn't feel the grit you're wanting to convey. On another note, bless his cotton socks and all supportive partners who rescue us from our own quicksand.