Thread: Our Next Life (alternate title - Separated by the Sea)

Hi everyone. I just wrote my first poem ever. I have NO writing background or expertise. I found these forums and joined hoping to get some feedback on the poem before I share it with the person I wrote it for. My questions are: 1) is it anywhere near decent and/or good enough to share with who I wrote it for 3)did I follow proper form/ abide by poetry guidelines? 4) does it flow, make sense, can you follow the story? 5) I think the title is weak too - any ideas??? Any feedback at all (even if you tell me it looks like a 5th grader wrote it) will be extremely helpful!!! I dont feel it's a 100% ready but I am stuck and can use your help. Thanks in advance!!!!

Our Next Life
(alternate title - Separated by the Sea)

Meeting you was fate
Our love not by chance
I have no regrets
Of this gift so grand

Our love on this earth
Didn’t last a long time
We had to say goodbye
For the rest of our lives

A love that can't be now
But will in our next life
Still in my dreams
I pretend to be your wife

My angel from above
You came to save me
My heart is still yours
And forever it will be

Our lives now apart
Separated by the sea
I can’t wait for the day
When we meet on the beach

I’ll fall asleep for the last time
And wake up blind to a sun so bright
Yet I know exactly where I am
The warm sand feels so right

For the day I had been waiting for all my life
Has finally arrived
I’ve imagined this moment so many times
I can now open my eyes

I see you there, walking towards me
You'll say hello, and I will smile
On this beach we will embrace
And stroll into our first sunset

This is our next life
And forever now awaits
The sea will no longer separate
The love we long to share

But until then my dear.....

I'll just see you in my dreams
Think of you every night and day
Never will I forget your face
Or the love I felt when my eyes met your gaze

I only hope my heart can bear
The painful long wait ahead
I must live this life first
To see you in the next

Welcome to the forum, it is always nice to see a new face, especially as I have not been here all that long myself. Given that you are new to poetry and the harsh, angry, evil world of poetry forums, make certain you take any advice/critique given to you with a grain of salt. Much of the time you will be getting advice to change your poem in twelve different ways and each of these contradict the others. Make certain that any changes you make, you feel comfortable with. Just because someone in this forum is giving you advice, doesn't mean it is good advice. Myself included. I will be quite honest with you, I like specific types of poetry, and much of my advice will direct you towards that type of poetry. As you are new to poetry, take the opportunity to read others work, especially published works, so that you can familiarize yourself with various forms. A little research into terminology never hurt either, not that you need it to write, but to understand what forum members are saying. (In my experience, critiquing others' work helps a great deal in learning about personal work). The best thing that you can do is to practice. Period.

To begin with, when starting out writing poetry, you will come to realize (should you stick with it) that it is impossible to make every poem perfect and your first poem will never be like your second or your fiftieth or so on. Luckily, you have a good grounds for being a successful poet. Your writing is clear and understandable throughout this piece. Poetry is an art of saying a great deal with language rather than with words. What this means is that you use the natural sounds of, in this case, English to bring your poem to life. Being concise helps to push you in that direction. This poem is fairly long and could probably be tightened up, as many of the stanzas simply work to describe different ways in which the speaker loves the subject of the poem. I realize that it works as a story and to some degree those stanzas further the story, but I believe that this can be simplified.

As far as your form, there are several different "rules" that come into play, but don't get boggled by semantics. Punctuation and whether or not to capitalize are relatively trivial until you are to your final form. For now, you are looking to create something that expresses your thoughts clearly in a way in which the reader can grasp. As I said, you have a clear voice and your theme is well-defined. For now, I would advise reading through the forum to read others' works and also what forum members said in as far as critique if you are looking to improve.

As to whether or not you should read it to that special someone, well, that is for you to decide. It depends on your relationship. Some people would be flattered to simply know they had a poem written about them no matter how good/bad it was. My wife would laugh me out of the room if I composed a poem for her. Only you can know whether or not you can read it to him/her. Don't worry about the title, it is fine. Titles are overrated and have little to do with the poem. Shakespeare and Dickinson had numbers assigned because they didn't use titles.

I am so long winded.



T

P.S. You are missing question #2...

P.S.S. An ellipsis has three periods (as above) .

Hello, welcome to the forums and the wonderful world of poetry. I myself have been writing poetry since I was about 6 years old and haven't stopped since. Now, this does not mean that I know what I'm talking about or that I am a "poet". Any and all critiquing I do is strictly my personal opinion. Like I said, I've been writing since I was 6 and I still don't understand all the "rules" to poetry and the like. In my personal experience, it's a learn as you go type of thing.

First off, for being a "beginner" in the poetry world, that is an amazing poem. What you are trying to convey is perfectly clear, and your descriptions make the reader feel like they're actually experiencing what is going on. For example:

"Our lives now apart
Separated by the sea
I can’t wait for the day
When we meet on the beach

I’ll fall asleep for the last time
And wake up blind to a sun so bright
Yet I know exactly where I am
The warm sand feels so right"

I actually feel as if I am experiencing that first hand as I read. In a poem, or novel even, I love feeling what the writer is describing, it helps me relate to the writing on a more personal level.

On another note - now please keep in mind that this is all personal opinions here, I am only speaking about things that I myself like in a poem - I do believe that it could flow a little easier. I myself when I write like to keep the syllables in each line to match per stanza, so that the poem can flow at a more... musical pace I guess you could say.

The poem is kinda long, but I'm guilty of making poems quite long as well. I know what it's like when it seems like 4 stanza just isn't enough when you have 8 in your head. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, a lot of famous poetry is quite long. But again, personally, I enjoy reading shorter and to the point poetry, even tho I right long ones on occasion.

All in all it is a great poem, and it is truly beautiful!

And when it comes to you reading it to your special someone, that's all up to you hun. It is definitely good enough when speaking in technically terms, but as Tenebris said, only you can decide if it's good enough on a personal level. I myself rarely share my poetry, but that is due to a very traumatic experience from when I recited my first poem, back when I was 6. Lol. (If you want that story, I really don't mind sharing. But will only tell if I'm asked about it!)

I too am very long winded, especially when talking about poetry. I hope I helped in some way!!