Thread: The Great Grandmother

Mumsy
had a heart
of coal.
Cinders seen
from left eye,
scolding the other
for being
glass.

Spectacles,
the right lens
taped;
urine -
yellowed
from decades
of hiding.

The day
they slipped
off her nose,
I saw the
marble;
blue and white swirled
like the ones
I had
back home
in an orange net.

She suprised me
with a
china doll.

Mine, with
lace dress,
auburn locks;
tumbling,
flattering her
blue eyes
which
opened and shut,
opened and shut.

Mumsy smiled.

Her one eye,
sweetly, set on mine
for a moment

before she seized the doll.

I'd like to slash that old witch with a hockey stick in the back of her head and pop that glass eye right out. Rotten old crone. Gee, have I made it apparent that I know this is based on fact? Okay, by my reaction, you already know you've done a spectacular job, need I say more? We already discussed my feelings about your breaks, too choppy, love, marry a few for the sake of a smoother flow. Three questions: Why pane instead of lens? Why the dash as the final punctuation? and I don't get "for the hiding", am I missing something? I would have preferred lace dress as opposed to "laced dress", but that's probably just me. Loved the repetition of opened and closed. This is creepy crawling beneath my flesh, Laurie love, always a good sign, always a good sign, indeed.

If I got you to the point of anger and then the creeps I do think I've done my job. I like your suggestions and they'll be impleminted. Thank you.

"Yellowed from ages from the hiding" I see now that I should
have written "Yellowed from decades of hiding"

Why the dash as the final punctuation?

Dunno? Something different.

Lisa, you always make salient points and with your trade mark humour. Thanks!

Yes, anger was stirred when I read this. I see this is based in fact, so I agree with Lisa. Old crone!

I also agree that it would read smoother with a few marriages of the lines. Other than that, spectacular job Laurie!

Firstly, so glad you are back and with a spectacular poem which I'll get to soon. Have an all consuming cold...Yes. This poem is based on fact so it was also very cathardic. I'll be checking out line placement again. You should have seen the first version! Thanks, Laurie

There is some real artistry here; these words you've assembled create something beautiful from what is apparently an unpleasant memory. It's almost like a magic spell that turns a faded, crumpled Polaroid full of scratches into a lush and vivid image.

There are maybe one or two clinkers, as others have suggested:

Spectacles,
the right lens
taped;
urine
yellowed
from decades
of hiding.

I think that you mean the tape is yellow like urine (....? right?). If that was the case, then you want to make that more clear with hyphen: "...tape; urine-yellowed from decades...." I dunno if that is what you meant, but it SEEMS as though that's what you meant. Also there are a couple of places where you might have inserted a rhyme or two that would have kicked things along a bit better, but I'm not complaining. It's 99.9% watertight as it is right now. (In my opinion!)

This is some fine imagery, as well as an entertaining little vignette. Thank you for sharing!

I like the short, clipped lines, they really snap for some reason. The enforced pauses. And I second the others, sounds like a not very fun lady.

This was my favourite stanza,

The day
they slipped
off her nose,
I saw the
marble;
blue and white swirled
like the ones
I had
back home
in an orange net.

-cae

I really like this. I was a little put off by the form at first, but then I thought that it worked perfectly with Mumsy. Narrow, mean, like a spindly witch. I do agree about the hyphen between urine and yellowed. I had to go back a couple of times to make sure of the intent. A very well done piece that carries with it a distinct memory, not necessarily of hate but of a detached awe filled interest of how a human being could become so stingeyly wretched.

Scarlette: so pleased that you appreciated my imagery. Pure heaven when I find the words. And you. What spended imagery "you" have at hand. Reading your review I was so taken with:

It's almost like a magic spell that turns a faded, crumpled Polaroid full of scratches into a lush and vivid image.

Ha! Never before have I reviewed a review of my own work. But when it comes to imagery I can't help but comment when I see the splended.

I can see how some subtle rhyming could benefit my piece. Basically, I'm not a rhymer (Doctor Suess I can do), but I'll keep this in mind for future writings. I'm going to work with that semi colin. Thanks

cae: Yes. Short clipped lines. My little razor which I'm so glad you caught. And glad you caught the pauses:

Mumsy smiled.

Her one eye,
sweetly, set on mine
for a moment

before she seized the doll.

Here, I spent a bit of time working with the pausing. Setting lines differently, then differently again. Reading out loud and then again. I'm glad it proved effective. A little, blood, sweat and tears, here. Especially, when you're dealing with a sparse piece. Thanks, cae

apple: You got it. What I had in mind when creating form.

Narrow, mean, like a spindly witch.

Trying to create a sort of "visual" Onomatopoeia.

And (whew!) I'm really glad that you didn't read "hate" into the piece. What I learned in a writing class "Never demonize the demon" or you'll have a flat character. In this case, poem.

detached awe filled interest of how a human being could become so stingeyly wretched.

This is what I write about. The "Nature of the Human Condition" Always interested in the discecting. Now, this wretched woman was my Great Grandmother and this very event I described did take place. And you picking up on detachement in the piece pleases me greatly because I didn't want a "poor me" to be read.

Now, I've got to think about the hyphen and the semi-colon.

Thanks to all for your feedback. Laurie