Thread: Odium

Your eyes are molten
blue, deep enough to
run my fingers through
your hair, if I can.
I get lost in your
curly locks, thicker
than molasses, sir,
I’ll chop it all off.
I kiss your starch white
teeth, regrettably,
as the sun warms you
with it’s odium.
Lay your body down
and I’ll get rid of
it, if you insist
on my disposal, please.

Hi, Rosie. You have allot of packed images here and directions. I understand that your trying to get across animosity towards a lover or a friend. This can be done if you zero in on your subject. What qualities are distastful. Has the charcter betrayed in any way? Take your time time measuring each word. Make a kind of happy marriage, so to speak. One word to another. The following should be re-thought.

Your eyes are molten
blue, deep enough to
run my fingers through (I hope I never get on your bad side!)


your hair (your hair, deep enough to run my fingers through)

Sometimes we writers get a rush of ideas. That's when we need a cup of de-caffinated tea, then going back to our work.

I like the darkness overall. Hope I've been of some help. Laurie

I quite enjoy the way that Rosie melts those lines together.

This reminds me of how that old song "Miss Mary Mac" flows.

I adore your poem Rosie.

This drips with distaste, which I love. I found some of your line breaks awkward, but will not force my personal preferences upon you. The following two possible nits may just be me, so a grain of salt, if you will. I don't get "your hair, if I can" in its current position. You are speaking of running your hand through eyes, then abruptly switch to hair, it's confusing to me. Could be I'm missing something. I suggest removing it entirely. While I know what your intended meaning is with "on my disposal", it reads awkwardly, perhaps at my disposal would be better. Save for that, this is deliciously dark. Much enjoyed.