Thread: First Love

Love's tail swept around the corner,
eluded me;
eclipsed the light from my life.

Now callous thoughts stake me as I wake,
as my frantic heart's release, like chattering teeth,
crashes down, steals my vital breath.

I had tried to perch on a cloud with you
and all things beautiful and true,
but our cloud was bound to fall through,
with all the little rocks you threw.

Thus I live with a tragic sense
of seeing our love in past tense,
mourning a Love in past tense,

ah! you left a tricksy blade,
in those rosy dreams we made,
against which I have no defence.

Really good piece, seems very genuine. Clever imagery and the inconsistent yet insisting rhymes give it lots of ambiance.

I don't like the title. Too cliche I'm afraid.

mourning a Love in past tense,

This line doesn't work for me neither. The repetition doesn't seem plausible and the elaboration on "Love" is way too abstract for this piece to handle...

Last Stanza didn't seem that fitting to finish off the poem. I would actually consider omitting it along with the line mentioned above.

Thus I live with a tragic sense
of seeing our love in past tense,

This would be a much cooler way to end the piece...

Enjoyed,
Martin

Hi, chez. Just going to make some comments on your imagery.

as my frantic heart's release, like chattering teeth

Stellar! One of the best similies I've read in awhile.

I had tried to perch on a cloud with you
and all things beautiful and true,
but our cloud was bound to fall through,
with all the little rocks you threw.

This first line caught my attention. However, I think you could do this first line more justice by adding a few inclusions and a litte re-arranging, such as:

I had tried to perch on a cloud with you
where all things lay
beautiful, true.
You just had to toss up
handfulls of stones.
Holes in our cloud,
surrounded by blue,
no longer a cloud aloft.
My dream of you come untrue.

Just an idea to think about and maybe play around with.

Ah! You left a tricksy blade,
in those rosy dreams we made,
against which I have no defence

You know the first and last line, stanzas, are of great importance. You really succeeded with your opener and closer. Let me not forget the middle!

Very much enjoyed! Laurie

Loved the first two stanzas, absolutely fantastic, brimming over with vivid and original imagery. You lost some of your oomph when you switched to the rhyming. Regrettably, I can't agree with Martin regarding the erratic scheme, I found myself paying less attention to the actual words while trying to find the rhythm. I rather like the line "of seeing our love in past tense" but dislike the rapid repetition of "mourning a love (no cap) in past tense", it's essentially the same thing. You have a slice of brilliance at your fingertips here, perhaps abandoning the rhyming altogether will free you to express yourself in the final three stanzas as well as you did in the first two. It's your piece, so it's your decision, please know that I did enjoy it as is.

Best,
Lisa