Thread: In spirit wood

IN SPIRIT WOOD

Gather young children, hush now and listen
Do you hear the call of skin, the walker within
Its head filled with hunger, its heart filled with ick
walk softly my children and pick up the stick

Where are the guardians, what came of their glow?
Why have they abandon us, to die in the snow?
Its shriek brings us sickness, its calls brings on fear
walk softly my children the walker is near

No man but the hunter can slew this great beast
No man feels the pull of its mark from the feast
Our future was bartered that day for a life
and children of Chocktee have paid a high price

It knows only hunger this walker of skin
It hunts for mere pleasure and scares you within
When night and day are equal the walker shall rise
And the children of Chocktee will meet their demise...

Hi Mark, as I read this, I read it like an old ballad. As I was thinking of it like a ballad, I started reading it with an Irish lilt. And then with a makeshift tune. Lol. I really did. The meter was a little off for that in places, tho. A couple of nits... s2 it should be abandon ed and S3 should be slay not slew. And It ' s head and It ' s shriek. Other than those little things, I enjoyed it very much.

apple

Originally Posted by apple

Hi Mark, as I read this, I read it like an old ballad. As I was thinking of it like a ballad, I started reading it with an Irish lilt. And then with a makeshift tune. Lol. I really did. The meter was a little off for that in places, tho. A couple of nits... s2 it should be abandon ed and S3 should be slay not slew. And It ' s head and It ' s shriek. Other than those little things, I enjoyed it very much.

apple

Thanks apple, I'm no poet, but I have made the corrections you recommended. I loved your necromancer poem.

In spirit wood

IN SPIRIT WOOD

Gather young children, hush now and listen
Do you hear the call of skin, the walker within
Its head filled with hunger, its heart filled with ick
walk softly my children and pick up the stick

Where are the guardians, what came of their glow?
Why have they abandoned us, to die in the snow?
It's shriek brings us sickness, it's calls brings on fear
walk softly my children the walker is near

No man but the hunter can slay this great beast
No man feels the pull of its mark from the feast
Our future was bartered that day for a life
and children of Chocktee have paid a high price

It knows only hunger this walker of skin
It hunts for mere pleasure and scares you within
When night and day are equal the walker shall rise
And the children of Chocktee will meet their demise...

Ooooh, what a wonderfully moody feeling this has. Very atmospheric, I very much enjoyed. Apple gave you excellent advice and your changes smoothed over those little hiccups. Good work.

It has always been my desire to bring the mediums of print, music and artwork together through multimedia. This is a small snippet of what I would like to do with my novel once it is published.

I'm mad Mark. My speakers don't work.

MJ,

A very dream-like and somber poem. I like the flow, the tone. One suggestion I have is to use the word "go" instead of "walk" in S1 and S2, as in "go softly my children". Since you already describe the walker as something other than the children.

BW

Originally Posted by apple

I'm mad Mark. My speakers don't work.

No speakers, arrrgh, what are you using a Commodore Vic 20?

No, when I moved, there must have been some kind of adapter that I lost. The speakers worked before. Now nothing fits. I am kinda computer- un-savvy. I loved my speakers, my sounds, i feel empty, Mark.

Originally Posted by MJ Preston

Its head filled with hunger.

Its shriek brings us sickness,

Originally Posted by apple

And It ' s head and It ' s shriek.

Eh? Do all "its" have apostrophes in poetry? I thought "it's" was "it is" or "it has", that doesn't make sense here. Is it different in poetry? because I would have put "its". Possessive.

Confused

Originally Posted by Bruno Spatola

Eh? Do all "its" have apostrophes in poetry? I thought "it's" was "it is" or "it has", that doesn't make sense here. Is it different in poetry? because I would have put "its". Possessive.

Confused

Well you're thinking in context of It, but it represents the lack of a name. ie: Jack's head or Jack's shreik.

Originally Posted by apple

No, when I moved, there must have been some kind of adapter that I lost. The speakers worked before. Now nothing fits. I am kinda computer- un-savvy. I loved my speakers, my sounds, i feel empty, Mark.

Don't, there's only really cool native drums and music that complimented the video. Oh man I'm so sorry, was that my outside voice. My gosh you must feel so empty.

Originally Posted by MJ Preston
Its head filled with hunger.

Its shriek brings us sickness,
Originally Posted by apple

And It ' s head and It ' s shriek.

Eh? Do all "its" have apostrophes in poetry? I thought "it's" was "it is" or "it has", that doesn't make sense here. Is it different in poetry? because I would have put "its". Possessive.

Confused


You are right, Bruno. "its" , possessive Neve'r, listen to me. a'bout punctuation, lol. Sorry Mark.

Originally Posted by apple

Originally Posted by MJ Preston
Its head filled with hunger.

Its shriek brings us sickness,
Originally Posted by apple

And It ' s head and It ' s shriek.

Eh? Do all "its" have apostrophes in poetry? I thought "it's" was "it is" or "it has", that doesn't make sense here. Is it different in poetry? because I would have put "its". Possessive.

Confused


You are right, Bruno. "its" , possessive Neve'r, listen to me. a'bout punctuation, lol. Sorry Mark.

Good golly. Well kind of hard to edit that out now.