Thread: Your seasons

Looking at you, the joy in your eyes, your dimples
when you smile
remind me of Summer...

and when you cry, your tears like Autumn
drift me into Winter

where I forever wait for Spring...

This could very easily be expanded into some long, windy pastoral poem, a la Longfellow, in which butterflies sing and pandas dance and so on and so forth. I think, however, the laconic nature (hehe) of this poem suits it quite well. Notwithstanding, it would benefit from minor expansion, at least insofar as dedicating as many lines to the latter three seasons as you did to summer. The ellipses also seem out of place to me, but I have a vendetta against them, so do not take my word alone on them. The second I can handle, but the first seems very much out of place and does not necessarily at much to the poem that is not already implied by the break in stanzas. The poem is clear in its meaning, but I just don't feel like there is enough within it, given its pastoral nature, to be enjoyed properly.



T

Thanks Tenebris

With the ellipses I wanted to imply a dwelling in the moment, a surrender to the subject in its changing forms...

The piece was written as a spur of the moment. I tried then to work some more imagery into it, yet with the very seasons as the drive, I couldn't help feeling it became cliche and finally decided on posting the raw cut.

Your seasons

Looking at you, the joy in your eyes, your dimples
when you smile
remind me of summer.

When you cry, your tears like autumn
drift me into darkness

and winter
where I wait for spring;

wait for you to blossom
again.

Hi, Martin. T offered much more than I could offer structurally, at this time. So I'll note what struck me as being visually delightful/impactful.

Looking at you, the joy in your eyes, your dimples

Dimples are usually thought of, described as "cute." Here, you surprise me with "joy". I realize the subject is very much loved in just this.

When you cry, your tears like Autumn
drift me into darkness

How easy it is for someone we love to turn us into a weather -

Just beautiful, Martin. Laurie

Thanks Laurie, glad it came off as felt. That first line you cuote, was indeed the very memory that brought this poem to life.

Now, I hope I have redeemed myself from my last entry

Ha! You will never be redeemed for that! We will never forget!

Haha, well, it's just what sometimes happen when I try to apply meter and rhyme schemes - it becomes silly stuff!

Martin, my dear, this is lovely. I, do, however, prefer the second version and am not too crazy about "forever", spring is going to come when it's supposed to, so it's impossible to wait forever. Perhaps I'm being too literal here, but I can't help it. The only other nit is the seasons should all be lowercase. Otherwise, as I said, lovely. I wish my raw cuts were so well composed.