Thread: "Untitled" so far...would love some feedback

for so long
cynical
a non-believer--

then i met you
a cliche encounter
although unexpected
the sweetest first kiss
it lingers in my mind and on my lips
a cliche moment
still so very far from that

now distance between us
it's not our fault
the anticipation builds
the nerves build
my feelings build..

the possibilities
a thousand scenarios
we meet again so soon
i crave your mouth, your voice, your touch
Neruda said it best

how brief our moments together will seem
how i wish we could stay twisted
tied up in your sheets
i don't think that i'm prepared to accept out short story
i want a novel
a trilogy
a 12-part series

i've never wanted that before

rw, what a wonderful poem about "amour" and that you mentioned one of my favorite poets, Neruda, makes it all the more special for me. I think this poem could use some tightening up and I'll give you an example where less is more - a cliche This is how I'd break up the second stanza, eliminating some unncessary words, paying attention to beat and punctuation:

then i met you
unexpectedly,
the sweetest
first kiss
lingering in
my mind, on my lips.
So very far
from a
moment,
cliched.

Would you describe what "cliche" means to you in this contex? Cliche as you see "lovers in the movies?" There might be a clearer way of getting this across.

A good poem. Keep 'em coming! Laurie

thank you! i really like your suggestions and will definitely switch around my wording.

You're welcome