Thread: Twenty Minute Miracle

The end of the world must be coming, I say
so retreat to your cellars and hide your loved ones away.
It only took twenty for this girl with no clout
to have them check my insides out.

A signature, a smile and a nod,
then off to room eight with a gentle prod.
My butt barely depressed the chair,
before I was beckoned to the inner lair.

Again, a smile, and some pleasant chatter
from a balding tech surely mad as a hatter.
He helped me onto the sliding table,
and fairly chirped "We'll begin when you're able."

From behind glass he lilted, "Please hold your breath."
as gamma rays imaged my guts in depth.
No wait at all and a kind demeanor,
betcha this is a dream and the doc is a lemur.

But human as I, he waltzed in with style
and to my surprise, his lips stretched in a smile.
Certainly, they'd all gone insane,
to be doling out happy in the house of pain.

"We're done for today, little Miss,
I'll see you on Monday." then he blew me a kiss.
I gathered my things and made for the door,
astonished to find the big hand on four.

Just a tiny dent in the six hours I'd slated
for time always wasted while I waited and waited.
With found moments in hand, I opted to barhop
to numb the niceness of nuts at the chop shop.

Getting used to miracles is a fool's game,
and I'll not indulge in something so lame.
Come Monday, all will revert to the same:
maltreatment and waiting, while all pass the blame.

Best to booze blast the memory before it takes hold,
when the Lord made today, He broke the mold.
A once in a lifetime for the hall of fame;
I don't expect another, I'm a down to earth dame.

Well, so far i've noticed that your second stanza switches from third person to first. I'm not sure whether or not I like the transition but I thought i'd make note. Also, your last stanza reads funny to me. In the rest the flow is pretty good but I think adding 1 syllable to the second line..and..something like this?

Best to booze blast the memory before it takes hold,
when the lord made to day, the lord broke the mold.
A once in a lifetime, for the hall of fame; (this sounds funny to me)
I don't expect more, I'm a down to earth dame.

I also want to comment on your punctuation; I love it! Other than these suggestions though I can't do much more because I don't actually know what your talking about.

I see you caught the sonnet bug. I can't help but feel you are now my primary competition. ...I know this isn't technically a sonnet but I'm too lazy to look up what it's called.

Just a few suggestions:


"then," "before" (S2L2/L4) - The poem follows a story. It's clear one thing happens after the next. These words are unnecessary. Also, the meter gets a little funky here and puts the emphasis on the 7th and 8th syllables respectively, unless you put a little swing in your voice. The same thing happens with "barhop."

"surely mad as a hatter"- The "surely" is kind of distracting, along with "opted." It stands out against the conversational style of the rest of the piece. Maybe we don't hang around the same circles, but this isn't the kind of wording I would expect from someone telling me a story.

"helped me onto the sliding table" - This guy is scary at first. Why give away the surprise?

Overall you said what you thought and felt, so the poem works. However, it is light on descriptions that would give a stronger sense of the surreality and suspense and give us a better idea of the whole experience.

Cheers for the good story.

Dear PoP, Wonderful to see you about, it's been far too long since you've made an appearance. I hope you'll be posting some of your work soon. I think in my unbridled glee, I may have made this a bit too abstract. It's about getting in and out of the hospital within twenty minutes for a CT scan, a true miracle, indeed. Good catch on the switch in S1, I'll change the her to my which should correct it. I am usually more diligent in checking tenses as well as "person" switches before I post. I missed that one. This piece still needs tweaking for a number of reasons, the rhythm has kinks and some of my words choices suck, for lack of a more befitting word. I will take your suggestions for the final stanza on board as that is one of the places that needs tinkering. I still need a little space, though, if I work with a piece for too long, I essentially go deaf and can't discern a beat without some distance for a bit. Elated you loved the punctuation, it's one of my greatest weaknesses, and it is encouraging to learn I am making some progress. I hope that the piece makes a little sense in light of my explanation. I truly appreciate your input and sincerely hope you'll be posting something of yours soon.



Dear Chic, You give me far too much credit. If this piece mildly mimics any type of form, I assure you it was unintentional and purely a coincidence. All I did was write down a bunch of rhyming lines about a quick trip that I can only label a miracle. Please shelve those feelings of me being any type of competition, first, I am still too much of a newb to attempt a sonnet, of which I'm not even well versed in the making of, and second, I assure you, you are far more proficient than I. As it stands, the only thing this can be classified as is a mess. The meter is funky in quite a few places, normally I would have worked to even it out, but I wanted to post this right away. I have another appointment tomorrow as well as Monday and I'm sure my happy bubble will burst on one of those days. It was important I got this posted before that happened. Besides, once something is posted, I am obligated to fix it. There are so many pieces rotting in my notebook that never made it to the board, and rot they will continue for a lack of micro-managing.

I get what you're saying about then and before in S2, if I remove then, it still sounds okay, but if I remove before it seems off to me, and possibly just me, but wouldn't I have to adjust the punctuation if I do that? Punctuation is not my forte and I'm not sure. The meter is funky in quite a few places. Meter is not my friend, and I doubt it ever will be. I've just begun to get a grasp on it, and my inexperience shows. After two years of writing free verse almost exclusively, save for an occasional rhyme, I find myself writing a great deal of rhyme now with what I suppose is a subconscious effort to refine my skills, if only a little. You mention a swing in my voice, are such swings acceptable or are they just glorified bumps? I see what you mean about surely, I'd need a comma if I remove it, correct? As for opted, I actually use that word in regular conversation, and to be honest, while in "my circle" my speech often entices blank bewildered stares which force me to resort to slang to be understood. So I guess I should tone the language down a bit. To be honest, I was being cutesy with opted, rather liked it for the bit of assonance it provided and the almost, however cruddy, slant rhyme. That definitely needs some work, I wasn't happy with it, but settled for the sake of being able to post. I didn't realize the tech came across as scary, he wasn't, just a bit too freaking jovial for my own tastes, too used to cold from those people. Since you think I give away too much, too soon, it seems this baby needs a great deal of tinkering to maintain some type of suspense. You've given me much to ponder. Again, you've honored me with too much credit, I really should be planning my stuff out better and will endeavor to do so in the future.

Light on description is actually a compliment for me. I frequently bombard readers to the point of suffocating them. I'm in the process of trying to tone it down some, but perhaps I went too far in that direction. My kingdom for a happy medium. Again, you've given me much to ponder, and some excellent advice which I am truly grateful for. That the surreality came through just a little pleases me greatly, the rapidity and kindness were most certainly dreamlike and I'm glad you enjoyed the story to a certain degree. Thank you again for the time and trouble you took with this piece, you've opened my eyes to things I'll be able to put in my suitcase and carry with me for the future.

My sincere thanks to you both for sharing your precious time with me. (Holy crap, I just hit submit and didn't realize I wrote a freaking book, sorry guys)

All my best,
Lisa

Lisa, I see that so much has been aptly covered so I'll point out some of my favorites. Your wizardly work!

Certainly, they'd all gone insane,
to be doling out happy in the house of pain

Love this little poet license. You could have really jazzed it up!

"We're done for today, little Miss,
I'll see you on Monday.", then he blew me a kiss.

Dear friend, I know what you're going through and that your able to write a poem with such levity amazes be. But then again, it might be live saving! Love ya, Laurie

How picky do you want to be about your rhythm here? I mean, are you trying to change it up for meter, or just with a polite limerick-like quality that is kind of sing-song-y? For myself, this seems to be the main thing keeping this piece from being absolutely resplendent. Along with Laurie, I enjoyed it a great deal, but fine-tuning your rhythm could do magnificent things. I think you could fairly easily convert this into an iambic hexameter, but it would impact the conversational quality that makes it so relaxed. It is kind of a toss up. To give you an idea of what it would look like:

The end of the world must be coming, I say
so hide in your cellars, put your loved ones away.
It took only twenty for this girl with no clout
to step within and have them check my insides out.

Now, this is of course assuming that you give "world" its vocalic characteristic, and L4 is a little rigid, but give me a break, this is on the fly. Stop getting so picky! (Cough) Anyway, this kind of gives you an idea of what I see when I read this.

Also, don't be intimidated by formal poetry. It does not take a professional, and is often a great deal of fun, kind of like a puzzle where you have to work to make your pieces fit. Don't worry "newbs" write such things all the time. Practice is all that it takes, and the more that you know about different types of poetry the better you will get. That is one of the main reasons I write poetry, it helps me with writing in other aspects.



T

I'm so glad you remember me! I will post some of my work in the next few days, I have some tests to study for.

As for understanding your poem, it makes more sense now. As you know, I'm pretty dark, so I was looking more closely at the spooky aspects of your poem.
I hope everything is ok with you, I'm sorry if it is not.

Dear Laurie, You know the laughter and sarcasm are the only things that keep me going, without them I'd be pushing up weeds. Thrilled you enjoyed. Wizardly, huh? I'm honored, but please don't insist I don the cap, I'm sure some jokester will etch Dunce across it. Love ya right back.


Dear Tenebris, Oy vey, so much for this tiny mind to absorb, and I will certainly give you a break, which body part would you prefer? I'm glad you enjoyed despite its faulty flow. Actually, I would like to go proper form here and apply meter, if only for the practice, as you said, that's the only way to eventually get it right. Iambic hexameter is way over my head at this point, I'm lucky I get the roughest da dum, although your example will help me greatly. I will be confined to bed rest for the entire month of November, lots of time to study. If you have any suggestions as to the best places for me to investigate, please do tell, I would be forever grateful for any leads. It is both an honor and a great pleasure to have your presence in one of my threads.


Dear PoP, Of course I remember you, your work made an impact I won't forget. Glad it makes more sense in light of my explanation, but if I had done my job correctly, you would not have had to ask. I apologize for making it so abstract that questioning became necessary. Please don't be sorry, love, what ails me is not your fault. Eventually, I will be okay, I'm an obstinate little bitch. Now where's that work you promised?


Precious time shared with precious friends. Thank you all profusely.

All my best, always,
Lisa

Like Laurie, I am amazed that you continually meet your circumstances head on with such humor and wit! I don't think many could do this in your place.

My favorite lines, which I absolutely loved:

Certainly, they'd all gone insane,
to be doling out happy in the house of pain.

You've told the story well, Lisa. I know this had to be a difficult day for you, and I feel honored that you shared it with us.

Lisa, your poems never cease to entertain. Awesome. Rolled right along for me. I loved how the guy "fairly chirped".

I have one minor nitpick.

Monday.", then

You could axe the comma outside the quotation marks if you want. In spoken dialogue you don't really have grammar outside the marks, just the one mark on the inside. There are exceptions to that rule but I'm too lazy to remember them.
-cae

Dear Cindy, It is I who needs to thank you, all of you, for indulging me my incessant whining. Soon to change, though, I can hear God's whisper on the breeze, all will be well. Humor and sarcasm are saving graces, I wouldn't trade them for anything. As to your favorite lines, so rarely are any of the personnel personable, that day was truly a miracle. I am honored you saw fit to read, love, but that day was great, the crap didn't hit the fan until Monday when I got the stinking results. Anyhow, I lied, I didn't go barhopping, but I did do a bit of shopping and went to lunch for the first time in almost three years, like a real live person. Yay! I can't thank everyone enough for their continued support, I'm kinda on my own over here. Blessings all around.


Dear Cae, Entertain, what a lovely word, thank you so much, that is what this is all about, after all. Nixing that nasty comma, wasn't really sure about it, glad you cleared that up. Punctuation is not one of my strengths, but dialog is my absolute demise. I hate the stuff and suck at it so bad, which is why I don't write prose and why I keep it to a minimum in my pieces. And that tech really did "fairly chirp" talk about surreal.


Thank you both for sharing your precious time with me.

All my best, always,
Lisa